


Reaching In The Dark

by Pline



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abduction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Firefam Feels, First Kiss, Gen, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Invasion of Privacy, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Non-Consensual Kissing, Pining, Post-Season/Series 03, Sharing a Bed, Stalking, Team as Family, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24164458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.He has a stalker.Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1095
Kudos: 1471





	1. The First Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This is set post season 3 finale. This mentions events and revelations from 3x17 and 3x18 both.**
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Alright everyone, here it is! I've been wanting to write a multi chapter fic for a while and so I'm taking the plunge. I know where I'm going with this, I have a few chapters planned out and I have even started writing scenes that will be in future chapters.
> 
> I think there will be between 5 and 10 chapters for this story, but we will see.
> 
> I am on tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/)

By [emilie_buckarootiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilie_buckarootiger/pseuds/emilie_buckarootiger) / [@tarlosbuddie](https://tarlosbuddie.tumblr.com/)

Buck’s hands are tied.

This is the first thing he notices when he regains consciousness.

Then, the nausea hits. He struggles against his bounds, barely able to move, emptying his stomach’s contents onto the ground, uncaring if some stain his clothes.

He is on a chair, rope tied all over him, his limbs tight against the chair’s arms and legs. His head is pounding and he has to fight to be able to focus on his surroundings. There is little light in the room but enough to get a picture of it.

“Great,” he mutters, only then noticing how dry his mouth and throat are. “This is one hell of a bad cliché.”

He is in an empty basement, the paint long chipped off from its wall. It’s humid and hot which does nothing to help Buck’s headache. He tries loosening the rope but it’s useless, the knots are too tight.

How long has he been gone? Will anyone have noticed his disappearance by now?

Eddie.

Oh God, Eddie.

Buck is going to be sick again but for entirely different reasons.

Before he can spiral further down, the clicking of a lock being opened makes his heart rise up in his throat. Again, he tries his bounds, with more desperation this time. Again, it’s useless.

Holding his breath, he stares at the door as it opens, almost too slow as if the person behind wanted to savor this moment of revelation.

“There you are,” the man breathes out. “I’ve been waiting so long for this moment, my love.”

There he is. Buck’s tormentor.

His stalker.

Buck wants to laugh but the breath catches in his throat. He should have seen it coming, he has been too blind.

“We can finally be together, Evan. Nothing can stop us now.”

A terrible chill goes down Buck’s spine. The man’s tone, the insane glint in his eyes – the gun in his hand.

Buck can only hope that someone will find him soon, otherwise he is not sure he will get through this unscathed.

* * *

**_ONE_ _MONTH EARLIER_ **

Looking back on it, Buck should have paid more attention from the start.

The first note appears in his gym bag.

It’s a simple folded piece of paper than Buck almost throws away without a look, but he catches sight of writing on it before he does.

 _You have beautiful eyes,_ that’s all it says. No signature, no phone numbers, nothing.

Buck smiles down at it and wonders who could have left such a note. Maybe one of the newer crew members? He has noticed Calvino from night shift smiling at him through her lashes a few times.

Of course, he also knows who he wishes it was from, but he is quick to bury that thought down. Only heartbreak lays that way.

With one last glance at it, Buck puts the note back in his bag, not having the heart to throw it away.

He can’t say why, but he tells no one about the note, not even Eddie. Especially Eddie, in fact. Because it can’t be Eddie that sent it in the first place and Buck really could not stand his best friend trying to be his hype man, encouraging him to find out who the sender is.

There is only one person that Buck want a love note from, but Eddie does not feel that way about him.

It’s fine. Their friendship is enough. It’s gotta be enough.

Having Eddie and Christopher in his life is the most important thing, in whatever capacity that is.

He goes on with his day and, soon, the note is forgotten. He has more important things to focus on – like saving lives and putting out fires and protecting the people of Los Angeles.

It’s a slow day for them and the whole team’s spirit is high. Buck has been coming up to terms with what happened with Abby. He truly is happy for her, he has only ever wanted her to find her happiness, though he wishes that she would have told him that she would not find it with him.

But at least, seeing her again, having a talk with her, is helping him close that chapter of his life for good. He moved on a long time ago, he hasn’t had any feeling for her in a long time, but now he can put a finality to their story.

It’s over. He did nothing wrong.

He can go on like she has.

* * *

Chim finds him on their lunch break, before Bobby is done with the food.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Buck replies, curious and a little bit worried.

Chim drags him to the locker room and even makes sure it’s empty before closing the door. When he turns to face Buck, there is a determined glint in his eyes.

“Alright,” he says, like he is readying himself. “Last night, Maddie and I had a very long conversation about our future and our child’s future.”

At that, Buck can’t help but grin, big and joyous. Every time he thinks about his future niece or nephew, he is overcome with happiness and giddiness. He cannot wait to be an uncle.

“So,” Chim continues. “I’m going to propose.”

His brain has barely registered the news before he is whooping and sweeping his friend into a hug, laughing and swaying with joy. Oh, he could not be happier! He has always looked up to Chim, long before he and Maddie even met, and Buck knows he will always protect and cherish her.

“Thanks, Buckaroo,” his friend says, eyes glistening, when Buck lets him go. "I’m glad you’re so happy.”

“Of course, man. I’ve always been rooting for you two.”

His cheeks hurt from smiling so much but he could not stop even if he wanted to.

“So, she knows?” Buck asks. “This isn’t a surprise?”

“Yes, she knows. I couldn’t just ask, not after everything she’s been through. We talked about it and, sure, maybe we would have waited a bit longer if it weren’t for the baby, but we both want to.”

“You’re going to be my brother, ah!”

“Only downside to marrying her,” Chim jokes but he is grinning as wild as Buck. “She also wants an actual proposal which is why I’m asking if you want to come ring shopping with me on Saturday?”

Buck nods, “I can’t let you pick an ugly ring now, can I?”

“Hey. I’ll let you know I have great taste.”

“I know. You chose Maddie.”

The two future brother-in-laws share a smile. They both want what’s best for her, and Buck knows that this is Chim.

“Thank you really for being so supportive.”

“You’re kidding?” Buck exclaims. “I’ve been mentally preparing your wedding day since Maddie first told me she found you cute.”

“She thinks I’m cute?” Chim perks up.

“Dude, she is marrying you.”

“Just making sure!”

They both laugh, free and joyful. A thought hits Buck out of the blue and he turns back to Chim.

“Hen is going to be your best woman, isn’t she?”

Chim laughs, “Yeah, she is.”

“It’s fine,” Buck huffs. “You’ll be my best man at my wedding anyway.”

Raising his eyebrows at him, Chim gives him a pointed look.

“Is there something you’re not telling me, Buck?”

“Not yet, but one day I want to get married, yeah.”

“To Eddie.”

Buck feels himself blush, hard and hot. He takes a quick look around, making sure no one is around to hear him even though the door is still closed and they haven’t seen anyone come in. Meanwhile Chim, very proud of himself, only laughs at his fluttering.

“You’re a terrible brother-in-law, I’m out of here.”

His escape is followed by Chim’s hearty laughter, and Buck can’t even find it in him to be irritated. He knows that every single of his friends has caught up on his feelings for Eddie – he hasn’t taken to call it a crush ever since he has first seen him interact with Christopher and felt himself fall in love with both of them.

Sometimes, he thinks Eddie must know to. How could he not? Buck hides nothing of his feelings for him, he has always worn his heart on his sleeves. Surely Eddie must know, and if he has not said anything to Buck about it, then it must only mean that Buck’s feelings are one-sided.

It’s alright, he tells himself even if his heart breaks and breaks again at the thought. As long as Eddie is happy, as long as his family is happy, he can be happy too.

So that’s what he does. He focuses on his friends’ happiness, lets it fill his soul and prays that it will be enough for him.

* * *

Buck’s smile does not waver throughout their shift.

The team, minus Chim, keeps throwing him amused but curious looks and asking about the reason behind his good mood. He never gives it away, of course, though he is bursting with the need to share his excitement.

“Come on, man,” Eddie tells him after their shift once they are back in the locker room. “What is it? You can tell me, I won’t tell anyone.”

It’s tempting, Buck won’t deny it. But he has made a promise and he always keeps his words.

“I can’t yet.”

“Have you met someone?”

Buck is imagining the jealousy in Eddie’s tone. He is only seeing what he wants to see, Eddie would not be jealous if Buck had truly met someone. He would be happy for his friend, he would pat him on the back and ask about the lucky one.

“It’s not that,” Buck replies with a laugh. “I swear you’ll be the first to know when I get the green light.”

Eddie obviously wants to press him a little more but his phone rings and Buck watches him wave the team goodbye and leave.

“Still with the pining?” Hen asks from behind him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies and she only laughs at him.

His friends take too much amusement in his suffering. They are lucky he loves them so much, and that he is too happy about Chim and Maddie for his mood to sour.

Buck goes home with a smile that won’t leave his face, even through traffic and the sun setting, its rays blinding him the whole ride back to his place.

He is overjoyed for his sister, there is no else who deserves their happy ending more than her. He is still reeling from the news that Maddie is pregnant and to know that she will get married too, this time to someone who truly loves her as she deserves to be loved.

Chim asked him to go ring shopping with him and Buck is honored that he would want to involve him, but he also had another idea.

Growing up, Buck and Maddie were not close to their parents – always cold, always distant they were.

Their grandmother was the one who truly raised them, the one who showed them both what it meant to be loved and to love in return. When she passed, she gave Buck her wedding ring, for the day he would find a nice girl to settle down with.

Now though, he might never find a nice girl, seeing that he is in love with his best friend and that he can’t imagine himself falling out of love with him.

Maddie always loved their grandmother’s ring, and now Maddie is going to get married.

Buck will show the ring to Chim and he will respect whatever decision his friend makes, but at least he will have that option. Any decision that he will make will be the right one because Maddie loves her soon-to-be fiancé with her whole heart.

God, he is so happy for the both of them. He could burst out singing and dancing at any moment.

Getting back to his apartment complex, Buck flashes a bright smile to Mrs Malinowski, the old lady who lives with her husband in the apartment across from his. The couple has taken a liking to him, often inviting him over for tea and biscuits, and in return he goes grocery shopping with them when their home health care aid can’t.

“Hey, Mrs M,” Buck greets happily. “Have you finally decided to leave your husband for me or not yet?”

“I’m afraid you will have to wait a little longer,” she replies, amused.

Buck has been flirting with her ever since their first meeting and she always looks at him with the same fond but exasperated glint in her eyes.

“You break my heart,” and he clutches at his chest as if in pain, making her laugh.

“You’re in a good mood today. You saved a lot of people?”

“We had a good day but guess what, Chimney is going to propose to Maddie.”

Mr and Mrs Malinowski have been great friends to him in the months they have been living here. Their two children live one on the East Coast and the other in Australia, and so they have decided to dote on him. He has no complaint about it, far from it.

They keep talking a bit and after one last promise to drop by their place for diner one of these days, he hurries back into his own apartment, determined to find his grandmother’s ring.

* * *

It’s a simple yet elegant design, an intricate gold band with four small rubies engraved on the top.

Chim loves it.

“Are you sure?” he asks. “What if you end up proposing one day?”

“I want you to have it, man. My grandmother would have loved you and I’m sure she would have been happy that you proposed to Maddie with it.”

“Buckaroo, I love you.”

“Does that mean I get to be the best man?”

“Don’t ruin the moment.”

He is fine with not being Chim’s best man as long as he gets to be his and Maddie’s child’s godfather. They won’t really have a choice anyway.

* * *

After his shift, he finds a note on his windshield.

_You should wear pink more often, it suits you._

He glances down at the pink shirt he is wearing. When he looks up, he finds the parking lot empty. No one is paying him any attention.

* * *

A few days go by. Buck finds at least one per day, sometimes more – in his gym bag, in Jeep’s windshield, but he never catches the one leaving them. He still has no idea who that could be.

_The uniform was made to be worn by you._

_You looked tired today, I’m worried._

_I want to trace your tattoos with my tongue, claim you as mine with my lips._

_We were so close today, I smelled you as you passed me by. Did I imagine your smile or was it just for me?_

_Are you trying to make me jealous by touching your team so often? Do you enjoy seeing me seethe like so? Do you not know you’re mine and mine only?_

Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

The messages have not stopped – on the contrary, in fact. They have been getting more and more insistent, troubling too. He knows that he should tell Athena or anyone really, that it could become dangerous.

But it sounds unreal and he feels ashamed almost. He is a big guy, he has even been trained how to fight when he was in the SEALs, so why should he be worried?

If he were to tell his friends, they would get concerned. There is no doubt about it.

Things have been so good lately – Maddie is pregnant, Chim is going to propose, Michael’s tumor has shrunk, Hen is working hard on passing the MCATs. Everything is turning out for the best, finally.

Life is good and he is happy.

If he were to tell his friends, they would get concerned so he won’t tell them at all. He will deal with this on his own.

Buck’s gaze falls down on the latest note he received, except this time the note was accompanied by a picture. It’s a picture of him in the station’s parking lot, he has one arm slung around Chim and they are both laughing.

The picture was taken from afar but whoever took it must have used lenses to get such a clear shot.

He does not remember anything strange about that moment. The team was getting off a twelve-hour shift and joking around as they were getting back to their cars. He hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, had not seen anyone looking at him, let alone taking a picture of him and his team.

Whoever is behind the notes does not harbor a harmless crush on him.

This is creepy. This is someone stalking him.

Are they dangerous? Are they just some deranged person who has developed a harmless but unhealthy obsession with him?

He almost does it then.

He almost presses Athena’s contact information on his phone, almost calls her.

It’s what he should do, it’s what Bobby or Maddie or Eddie would want if they knew. With a tired sigh, he puts the phone face down on the table, pushing it away from him.

Maybe later, if the notes become outright threatening or if the stalker tries to contact him more directly. For now, he can handle it.

What would the police do anyway? Stalking cases like that rarely go anywhere. Maybe the stalker will get bored of him. Buck still hasn’t either put asides the possibility that this might all be a prank – not from his team, they know better, but maybe someone else at the station?

It’s only been a week that he has started getting these notes. There is a chance that the stalker has not realized how close Buck truly is to his colleagues, that he considers them his family.

Ever since May’s graduation party, the 118 and their families have not had many opportunities to hang out. Maybe Buck’s stalker has not realized how much he cares about them.

If he keeps this to himself, if he keeps things as they are from now, he can keep the stalker’s attention on him until it all blows away. They won’t shift their obsession on any of his friends.

Buck decides against telling anyone.

This is his first mistake.

* * *

From afar. He is always watching from afar.

Evan is stunning. He shines like the sun so how can he resist his warmth?

One day, soon, they will be together.

They are meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this first chapter!!
> 
> Please leave a comment to tell me what you thought. I'm very nervous about this because I haven't worked on a multi chapter fic in a while.
> 
> Thank you for reading as always, and I hope to see you for the next chapter!


	2. Paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victims of stalking may experience feelings of paranoia, guilt, isolation and irritability. They might also experience difficulty sleeping and relaxing, and often become hyper-vigilant, always on their guard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> First of all, I want to thank you all so much for the wonderful support you have shown me. I'm overjoyed that you all seem to have liked the first chapter so much, and I can only hope that you will like this chapter too.
> 
> Also, I completely forgot to mention that the title of this fic is from the song _The End Of Love_ by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> As for the timeline I have decided on for this story: this is set post season 3, as I said, but it's set before Christopher goes to summer camp.

> Victims of stalking may experience feelings of paranoia, guilt, isolation and irritability. They might also experience difficulty sleeping and relaxing, and often become hyper-vigilant, always on their guard.

* * *

Buck crumples the paper and throws it in the nearest trash.

It’s been three weeks since he got the first note, two since he faced the reality of his situation, and the hope of his stalker getting bored of him are vanishing.

If anything, his stalker is getting more obsessed and insistent in their notes.

He has started getting letters at his place too, mailed to his address. There is no return address, no signature.

 _Today, you laughed_ _when_ _you barged in that house_ _on_ _Vanowen Street_ _and saved the day. You looked so free, so beautiful._ _How much I_ _adore_ _you._

They know where he lives. They know his address.

How much do they know? How long have they been watching him?

Buck has spent hours reading up on stalkers and their behaviors. He knows the different types of stalkers, he knows the statistics. His stalker is most probably a man, they might be someone he has met on a call or even someone he has never talked to but who caught a fancy to him.

Worse, they could be someone he knows – a coworker, a neighbor, his banker, or anyone at all who crosses his path in his daily life.

And there is no way for him to know.

He should tell his friends, even if just Athena. She would know best what to do but every time he tries to tell someone, he never finds the right words.

But Buck is nothing if not relentless. He is not going to live his life in fear of his own shadows, he has already lost too much sleep on this.

He is going to catch his stalker in the act.

He has bought cameras for his car and his locker. Whoever his stalker is will be caught and Buck will put an end to this. Soon, this will all be over and everything will return to the way it used to be.

Soon, it will be nothing but a forgotten nightmare.

* * *

Jackson is looking at him.

If things were normal, Buck would not have thought about it twice, but things are not normal and Jackson is looking at him.

Luke Jackson has been at the 118 for the past five months now but Buck has never had a chance to talk to him as they work opposite shifts most of the time. If things were normal, Buck would not have cared, but he has been on his guard for what seems like forever, second guessing every single interaction he has, wondering, could this be his stalker?

And Jackson is looking at him – eyes absent as if lost in thoughts, but could it not be an act?

He does appear like a good guy and Buck has heard nothing but great things about the man – but.

But a deranged mind could hide underneath the easy smiles and soft brown eyes. But Jackson has access to the locker room and to Buck’s gym bag, to Buck’s Jeep.

Buck fights the urge to jump up at him – he almost wants to grip him by his uniform and shake him, to yell at him to confess, to stop following him around, to stop taking pictures of him.

He forces his lungs to work. He can’t just attack anyone who glances at him, especially not a coworker.

“Take a picture, Jackson. It’ll last longer.”

Jackson startles then blinks up at Buck, confused for an instant before he chuckles – and is Buck imagining the tension in the other man’s shoulders? Is his mind playing a trick on him? Is Jackson only embarrassed for unseeingly staring at a coworker?

Or is it more?

“Sorry, man,” Jackson says as he drags a hand to his neck. “I was thinking, I guess I lost myself in there for a bit.”

Buck laughs too, restraint and short, fake. How does he go asking people to see if they are his stalker?

_Hey man, are you obsessed with me by any chance? If so, could you stop please? I want my life back._

“Looked pretty serious,” Buck says, intent.

“Just relationship stuff,” Jackson waves off. “My partner and I, our anniversary is coming up.”

“Oh. Didn’t know you were dating anyone.”

“It’s complicated.”

Buck’s brows furrow. Complicated? Could Buck himself be the partner Jackson is talking, delusional? It will soon be a month that Buck has received the first note, is that the anniversary Jackson is talking about?

“Is it?” His voice is colder than he intends, his gaze heavier than he means to – he can’t help it.

Anger rises in him – icy, lethal.

His fist is curled up, laying on his lap, his nails are digging into his palm, almost cutting his skin. It would be so easy to reach out to Jackson. Buck is not sure about anything, but he could make sure. He could get the truth out of him.

“Buck.” It’s Hen calling him. His focus snaps to her. “Can we talk?”

She is frowning too, her gaze going from Buck to Jackson and back to Buck.

He is aware of how he must look to someone who knows him, even Jackson is giving him a strange look. At once, his anger evaporates and he feels empty – emptied.

This isn’t him.

Buck doesn’t hate, he doesn’t get angry.

Shame rises up in his chest and he shivers against the force of it. It scares him, that he thought about attacking someone, just for the crime of looking vaguely in his direction. He gives a nod to Jackson, not quite looking at him before following after Hen.

As soon as they are out of earshot, she flips around, incredulity carved on her face.

“What the hell was that?” she asks but there is worry in her tone too. “You looked ready to jump at his throat.”

He bows his head down, silent.

“Buck? Did he do something?”

“No,” Buck protests – it’s a little too loud. “I’m just tired.”

He drags his gaze up and flashes her a smile, hoping that it will be enough to fool her but knowing it won’t. Hen is observant and she is also persistent, it will take more to reassure her.

“My leg is acting up,” he lies.

She sighs, but it’s not unkind.

“We have pain meds for that, you don’t need to take it out on anyone.”

“I’m sorry.”

Hen pinches his arm, nowhere near enough to cause any pain, “You can ask for help, you know?”

“Thanks, Hen.”

“Get something for your leg, alright? Jackson is a good guy, he didn’t deserve that.”

Is he really? Is he a good man?

Buck gives her a little smile, tired and sorry. He watches her as she goes and, as soon as she is out of sight, he lets his smile drop. Exhaustion has been set in his bones for weeks now in a way he has never experienced, even when his leg was shattered and he could barely stand, even at the hospital after a pulmonary embolism.

A hand falls on his shoulder.

He jumps, startled, and when he turns around, breathless, it’s to find Eddie who is looking at him with worried eyes.

“You alright there?”

“Yeah,” Buck replies though he is far from being alright. “I didn’t hear you coming.”

“I called your name twice.”

Buck shrugs, unsure what to say. Words don’t feel enough to explain what he is feeling right now, he feels like he is losing who he is to this paranoia, but Eddie is his anchor. Eddie, though he does not know it, is what keeps Buck sane and good because he could never survive causing him anymore pain than he already has in the past.

Eddie is staring at him like he is trying to see through Buck, to read him, and Buck wants nothing more than to let himself be seen, be understood by him, but he won’t bring him in this madness. Eddie would not allow Buck out of his sight if he knew, and Buck can’t have that. He can’t have his stalker’s attention on Eddie or, worse, Christopher.

He wants to protect them from it.

“You’re coming to my place tonight,” Eddie says. It does not sound like he is leaving Buck much choice.

“Eddie,” but he trails off, uncertain how to say no.

“Do you have something planned tonight?”

Buck shakes his head. He is tired, and his apartment is too big and too empty and he misses Eddie. He wants Eddie to smile at him, put his hand on Buck’s neck like he does sometimes, and tell him that everything is going to be alright, that he will protect him.

“Christopher wants to see you as much as he can before he goes on to summer camp.”

Any resolve Buck had at declining Eddie’s offer crumbles. How could he ever say no to that?

“Alright,” he says. “Alright.”

Eddie’s smile is triumphant, smug too, like he never had any doubts that Buck would give in.

* * *

Seeing Christopher is a balm to Buck’s aching heart.

It’s so easy to spend the evening with them that it sometimes feels like they have always been doing it. Buck can’t remember who he used to be before he got to have them in his life.

Even in his darkest moments, the thought of Christopher can get the brightest smile out of him.

And Eddie, oh Eddie.

He is everything. Buck’s entire self belongs to him and he does not care that nothing of Eddie belongs to him in return. It’s alright. He has never been worthy of it anyway, but that does not mean he will let go before he has to.

As long as Eddie allows Buck in his and Christopher’s lives, Buck will stay.

Later, once dinner has been made and eaten and a movie has been chosen Buck finds himself in the kitchen, getting some pop corn ready.

“What’s with you?” Eddie asks and Buck startles, not having heard him follow behind. “We’ve barely seen each other outside of work lately.”

“I’ve been tired,” Buck replies – that part is true. He has been exhausted but he won’t say why, not yet.

“Are you dating someone?”

Buck blinks, surprised at the question. He wants to laugh at the irony of it, but there is something in Eddie’s gaze that stops him.

“I’m not.”

It’s almost a whisper. Eddie takes a step towards him, his eyes never leaving Buck who takes a step too, almost unaware of it.

“You’d tell me if you were.”

This isn’t a question. Buck’s tongue darts to lick his lips – his mouth, his throat, his entire body feels dry all of the sudden.

Eddie is standing so close to him that Buck can almost feel Eddie's chest moving with every breath that he takes. Buck strains his eyes in an effort not to let his gaze drop to Eddie’s lips and so he knows his gaze must be too intense, too dark.

It does not seem to scare Eddie off though. He takes another step closer to Buck. Their bodies are so close now, there is barely any space left at all between them.

It’s still not close enough to Buck. He yearns to close that impossible distance, to bring Eddie to him and to kiss him. How would he taste? Would the kiss be sweet and soft or passionate and urgent?

“Eddie,” Buck whispers, voice low.

“Buck, I – ”

“Dad!”

Both men jolt apart, as if struck by lighting. Buck is panting, his eyes, wide, fixed on Eddie, Eddie who is breathless and whose eyes are as wide as Buck’s.

“Dad,” Christopher calls again from the living room. “Are you done with the pop corn?”

Eddie clears his throat before he calls back to his son, telling him that they are coming.

The rest of the night flies by in a blur. Buck pushes the moment away, he will think on it later, in the privacy of his own place. Only then will he let his mind wonder to impossible scenarios where Eddie wants him back – _loves_ him back.

For now, he only enjoys this moment, without any notes from delusional stalkers. Just a moment with these two people he loves with all of his soul, and if he lets himself pretend that he means as much to them as they mean to him, it’s only his heart that will break at the reality later on.

He never stops smiling, not until he is back at his place, empty and alone, only the phantom feel of Eddie’s chest against his to keep him warm.

* * *

Whistling as he gets ready for work, Buck finds himself more at ease than he has been in over two weeks. The Diaz boys always have that effect on him, they never fail to sooth his heart and to bring a smile on his lips.

He loves them so dearly.

So many times last night did Buck come close to telling Eddie about his stalker, but he didn’t. The cameras he has bought will bring results, and then he will tell him. He will have a face to put to the stranger that has been harassing him and then, if all goes right, a name too.

Buck goes to put his jacket on, ready to start the day, and that’s only when he notices it.

Someone has slipped an envelope under his door.

He freezes, his gaze fixed on the white envelope, afraid like it would come to life and attack him.

Breath stuck in his throat, he forces his body to move, he takes one step towards the door and another, his body both slow and rushed. The hallway is empty, it’s still early enough that there is barely any sound in the building.

Whoever left the envelope is long gone by now.

Heavy, Buck turns back inside.

His stalker was there, right outside of his door – so very close. When was it? Was it when Buck was still asleep, lost to the world? Or was it when he was in the shower, unsuspecting, humming along to the radio?

God, he is going to get sick. None of this seems real.

Buck is hit by fury and horror both, the two feelings fighting against one another and leaving him breathless and shaking.

He opens the envelope to find another folded piece of paper.

_What are you doing, Evan? Why are you hurting me? Do you think I enjoy watching you spend the evening with another man? Are you trying to provoke me? I suggest you never do something like that again, or you will regret angering me._

_You know that I love you, and I know that you love me. Maybe you can’t see it yet but we are made to be together. Nothing will come in between us._

_You are forgiven – only this once._

_Signed,_

_Your beloved._

Buck has to catch himself on the walls, overcome by all that he is feeling.

The stalker was watching them last night, right outside Eddie’s house and Christopher was there, inside, and none of them knew.

He wants to yell, to kick something, he wants to find his stalker and beat him to a pulp. Some part of him is horrified at the idea but his rage is too loud, too powerful to be stopped.

He is left shuddering, overwhelmed, but most of all, Buck hates himself for thinking he was allowed that one night of peace. He put two of the most important people in his life in danger and for what?

His own selfish desire to be loved by them?

* * *

He is late getting to work. He barely answers his friends’ greetings, his entire focus still on that letter, on the fact that his tormentor was right outside his door and Buck had no idea at all.

But now Buck knows that his stalker is a man. _You spent the evening with another man,_ he wrote in the letter. That reduces the pool of suspects, and Buck can scratch a few names of his list of potential stalkers.

“Oh, what’s this?”

He turns just in time to see Hen pick up a piece of folded paper that’s slipped out of his uniform’s pocket. His heart stops beating altogether. He knows what this is, he has seen enough of these to recognize them from miles away.

He knows what’s written on it too, he has received that one a few days ago.

“Wait,” he tries but it’s too late.

She has already opened it.

“ _My dearest Evan_ ,” she reads before letting out a low whistle. “This is something, listen to this everyone. _Seeing you is the best part of my day. I never feel as alive as when I’m with you._ _I can’t wait for the moment when we are finally together._ _Know that I am thinking of you, always. Signed, your beloved._ ”

“Well, damn,” Chim exclaims. “It sounds like someone is really into you.”

Buck wants to throw up. This whole situation is making him sick, he has barely been able to relax in two weeks, he is always checking behind his shoulder in the fear of catching someone following him.

He so wants to tell them, he feels helpless and tired and oh so alone. Yet, he buries the thought down again. Focus on the statistics, he tells himself. His stalker is probably harmless. No one has approached him. No one has broken into his place, despite being right there.

No one on the team has gotten any notes.

His team might suspect something though, Buck has chosen to decline several invites to after work hang outs now even if it hurt him to do so, and he knows Eddie and Hen are worried about him already.

Buck’s tormentor has shown no signs that he could escalate into violence, but what if he sees Buck’s friends as competition for his affection?

No, it’s best to avoid them until he can catch the culprit in the act. Then he will confess and they will be angry, but it will be over.

He has made a mistake by going to Eddie’s last night. It won’t happen again.

“I thought you hadn’t met anyone.”

Buck turns around. Eddie is giving him a look he can’t decipher, heavy and intent, and Buck finds himself shivering under the intensity of it.

“It’s not,” he tries but halts. “This isn’t what you think.”

He does not know why he so badly wants Eddie to know that he is not seeing anyone. It’s not like Eddie could ever return Buck’s feelings – he will never be jealous that Buck might be in a relationship.

“What are you hiding?” Eddie continues, some of his anger slipping through his voice. “I thought we said we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other again.”

“Eddie,” Buck breathes out.

He could cry.

“Keep it, but next time you say no to drinks or movie nights, find a better excuse.”

The alarm rings, cutting whatever Buck was about to say off.

He goes through his shift feeling out of himself, feeling like he could crumble at any time. He does not notice the looks his team sends his way. He can only think about the man that he loves too mad to even look at him, all the while there is another man out there so obsessed with Buck that he won’t look away.

In all his life, Buck has never felt as alone.

* * *

“Soon, my love.”

He puts a loving smile to Evan’s picture and, eyes closed, he can almost feel his beloved’s warm lips responding under his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Buck hehe
> 
> I really hope that you liked this chapter! Please tell me what you thought of it in the comments??
> 
> I will try to post a new chapter at least once a week, every few days if I can. I have already started on chapter 3 and can I just say... It's gonna get a little more intense.
> 
> See you very soon!!


	3. Keeping Silent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is not sure he will be able to keep the facade up for much longer, his team might already worry about him.
> 
> Maybe it’s best if Eddie is mad at him, at least he won’t see the cracks in his mask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back with another chapter!!
> 
> I can't believe the amount of support you have all shown me. I'm speechless. Thank you so so much!! 💕

Buck’s only hope relies on the two cameras he has installed – one in his car, the other hidden in his locker.

So far, they have been useless.

His stalker is either aware of Buck’s plan or has decided not to take such risks anymore, because he only has only sent his latest letters through the mail. Six days from now will mark the one month anniversary of Buck finding the first one.

To think that he had hoped it could be from Eddie, if only it had been that easy.

Now Eddie is mad at him and Buck is lost.

He knows he should confess, but his friends will be terribly mad at him, and there is a part of him that feels like this whole situation is his fault. Buck flirts with people, sometimes he does not even realize he is doing it until others tease him about it.

What if he unknowingly encouraged his stalker’s infatuation?

He is tired of being a burden, why can’t anything ever go right in his life?

For once, everything was alright. At May’s graduation party, when Bobby asked him if he was doing okay, Buck had been truthful in his answer. He had been hopeful for the future, ready to start a new chapter of his life surrounded by people he loves most.

How pitiful, how risible to think that he could have been allowed true happiness.

Hiding, watching, a deranged man is after him and Buck is helpless to stop him. He really thought he could catch him in the act, that the cameras would reveal the face of his tormentor.

Buck is growing nervous too – he hasn’t received anything in three days. It’s the longest he has gone without finding a note. Is his stalker preparing something?

This would be reason enough to spill the truth to his friends, so that people know that he could be in danger but Buck is selfish. He is afraid that Bobby won’t let him go to work if he learns of it – work is all that he has. He is nothing without it and he knows that he would only spiral all the more if left alone.

He is not sure he will be able to keep the facade up for much longer, his team might already worry about him.

Maybe it’s best if Eddie is mad at him, at least he won’t see the cracks in his mask.

Eddie.

Their fight, if one would call that a fight when Buck just stood there and said nothing, happened two days ago. Their shift that day had been tensed and awkward and any attempt from Buck at reaching out to Eddie were met with the cold shoulder treatment.

The next day was their day off and Buck decided to let Eddie deflate on his own, not sure what to tell him anyway.

Truth be told, Buck is so all over the place that he has not found the time to stop and think about what happened between them.

He has to remind himself that Eddie isn’t being jealous, he is just angry because he thinks that Buck has lied to him. And he has, in a way. He hasn’t told him about the man stalking him, or the letters that he received.

It’s stupid, he is aware, to keep silent even now.

But what could he say? The team would be angry at him for keeping silent for so long. Maddie will be panicked and he doesn’t want to cause the baby any harm by stressing his sister out.

His shift today is going to be awkward at best. Buck is almost tempted to call in sick, just for a moment, before he realizes that it won’t help. Staying alone in his apartment is suffocating. At least, at work, he can help people, feel useful.

Sighing, he takes one look at his phone.

“Fuck.” He is going to be late, again, if he doesn’t hurry.

He rushes out of his apartment, not bothering with a jacket. It is going to be a hot day today in Los Angeles and Buck can already feel himself sweating despite not having set foot outside yet.

Downstairs, he sees his neighbor, Julian Malinowski, getting his mail and, straining his lips to give him a tired smile, Buck greets him, “Hello, Mr M.”

He does not even have the energy to crack a joke about his friend’s wife and how she should leave him for Buck. That alone has Malinowski frowning in concern.

“You look like shit, young man.”

At 76, Mr Malinowski manages the same authority that he must have showed all his life and, despite him being in a wheelchair, Buck always feels like he is looking up to him at all times. But he is also a caring man who, behind his gruff appearance, loves with his whole heart.

He and his wife have been nothing but lovely to Buck, and when Buck is with them, he is often reminded of afternoons spent with his grandmother, a long long time ago.

Buck is about to wave the concern away, but an idea hits him and he narrows his eyes at his neighbor.

“Did you see anyone around these past few weeks?”

“I see a lot of people around,” Mr M replies, always with the sarcasm. “It’s a big building.”

“Please, Julian. This is serious.”

Buck has never, not once, used Mr M’s given name, despite having been told to a thousand times. His neighbor and friend drops all traces of humor, he stares at Buck, mouth pressed into a thin line, brows furrowed.

“Are you alright?”

“Answer me, please,” Buck knows that he is begging.

Mr Malinowski shakes his head, “I haven’t seen anyone out of the ordinary.”

Buck almost scoffs. It would have been too simple. Sometimes he wonders if he isn’t being stalked by a goddamn ghost, that would explain the cameras not catching anything and Buck never seeing anyone himself either.

“I gotta go. Thanks, Mr M.”

He goes to leave, as exhausted as if he had just come out of a 24-hour shift rather than about to start one.

“Wait.” Buck stills but he does not turn around. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Everything is wrong, in fact, but Buck has learned a long time ago to keep his problems to himself.

Mr M does not call back after him.

* * *

Eddie ignores him as the team gets ready. He ignores him as they go upstairs and start on setting the table and helping Bobby out with the food. He ignores him all throughout breakfast.

Buck does not try talking to him. There is nothing he can say that would make the situation better anyway.

“I have something to say,” Chim says after they are done with the dishes.

The alarm has not rung yet, a rare occurrence that will not be pointed out in the superstitious belief of jinxing it.

Chim’s smile is wide and brilliant, and Buck already knows what he is going to say. Maddie called him last night to tell him – another reason to keep silent. He will not dim her moment of bliss with his own darkness.

“Maddie and I are getting married!”

The team cheers at Chim’s announcement, clapping and congratulating him, and Buck wants nothing but to join in on the joy but the only thing he can manage is a barely-there smile. He stays apart from everyone and watches as they take turn to embrace Chimney.

Eddie laughs at something Hen says, and Buck has to look away.

“You alright, Buck?” Bobby asks.

Buck hasn’t even noticed him walking up to him. Were he to look up at his captain, or any of his team really, he would see the worry written on their faces, but Buck keeps his eyes down.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

Bobby puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder and leaves it there. Buck leans into the touch, trying to find in it strength to pull himself back up from this miserable state of mind he has been finding himself in lately.

“I thought you’d be jumping around with everyone else,” Bobby says softly.

“I am happy for them,” Buck replies and he is, truly, but his being stalked has tainted every aspect of his life.

“You’re not looking it.”

Buck turns his head then, finally meeting his captain’s gaze. In it, he finds concern but also something else, something he so desperately wants to call love. Just once, he wishes Bobby could tell him, _you’re like a son to me,_ or even just, _you’re important to me too._

But Bobby never says it – he shows it, but Buck is always afraid to misread, to pour too much of his heart to others and to only receive crumbs of affection in return.

“What’s wrong, Buckaroo? Is it what happened with Eddie?”

Of course the others would notice the tension between him and Eddie, Buck is only surprised no one brought it up until now.

“Chim told me he would propose a couple of weeks ago,” he says to avoid answering the question.

There is a beat of silence, Buck lets his gaze fall back down. Bobby still hasn’t moved his hand.

“You know you can talk to me if something is bothering you, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Buck says through the lump in his throat. “Thanks, Cap’.”

“I don’t just mean it as your captain. I mean it as your friend. We’ve all been worried about you.”

Shame is a heavy weight he knows all too well, dragging at the pit of his stomach,

“I’m sorry.”

“What is it, Buck?”

This is his opening. This is the moment where he opens his mouth and says, _there is someone stalking me and I’m scared. I need help._

“I’m dealing with it,” he says instead and hates himself for it.

“If you say so, kid.”

Bobby is not fooled, Buck can see it, and he lets his hand drop from his shoulders. Right away, Buck misses the heat and comfort of it.

“Come on, then. Enjoy the moment with us.”

Buck forces all thoughts of his stalker out of his mind, all thoughts of his fight with Eddie too. Bobby is right, it is important to enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Surrounded by his friends, Buck is safe.

* * *

Soon, the alarm rings and they are rushing from one emergency to another.

They get so many calls that they barely have time to catch their breath and it’s exactly what Buck needs. He needs to focus on something else, on other people’s problems. He owes their callers his entire attention, otherwise he could make a fatal mistake, something he could never forgive himself for.

Out there, on the field, Buck feels like himself again.

Even if Eddie won’t look at him, even if there is someone out there watching his every movement, Buck finds purpose in his job. Right here, right now, he feels more alive than ever.

The last vestige of a kitchen fire put out, Buck feels in control.

There is no casualty, no one hurt, and it’s such a needed victory that Buck catches himself laughing along with Hen and Chimney.

“Ah, Buckaroo,” Hen says as they finish packing everything back up. “It’s good to hear you laugh again. I feel like you haven’t in days.”

It’s true that he hasn’t. He wants to apologize but that would only bring questions that Buck is not ready to answer yet.

“How can I not laugh when my future brother-in-law is right there?” he says, wrapping an arm around Chim’s shoulders.

Chim pushes him away but he is grinning.

They are almost ready to leave, they could put everything back in the truck with their eyes closed, so used to it as they are, but the heat is relentless and their movements are slowed, just a little, with it and the rush of saving lives crashing down.

The street is full of people, curious onlookers trying to get a glimpse from afar at the action. His heart squeezes in his chest and he wonders, could his stalker be among them?

“Can we talk?”

Buck flips around. Eddie is standing there, his expression unreadable but his shoulders are tensed and his jaw his clenched.

“We’re gonna go help Bobby,” Chim says, dragging Hen with him.

Neither Buck nor Eddie pay them any attention. They stay silent, still, staring into each other’s eyes.

Buck has no idea what to say. After the lawsuit and the street fighting and their drifting apart, they had promised not to keep secret from one another, and so he understands Eddie’s reaction. His best friend is disappointed in him because he thinks Buck is hiding something, and lying.

In a sense, it’s not far from the truth.

He does not know how to make things right, he is not even sure that he can. He is so far deep into this masquerade that nothing is amiss in his life that, whatever he says will result in hurt feelings.

Eddie is the first to talk.

“Chris is going away to summer camp next week.” He pauses, as if waiting for Buck to say something, but Buck bites his lips down and remains silent. “He wants you to come for another movie night, on Friday.”

Buck’s heart fills with all the love he holds for this wonderful kid. Why did he ever do to deserve Christopher’s love like that? The only thing that he wants is for Christopher to be happy – to be safe.

Which is why he can’t go, no matter how much he longs for it. No matter, too, how much it will hurt his friendship with Eddie.

Later, Eddie will understand, but for now, Buck has to make that sacrifice.

“Eddie,” he breathes out.

“Will you come?” Eddie cuts, terse.

Buck is desperate to say yes. That’s all he wants – the warmth of the Diaz home, to hear Christopher’s laughter as he helps Buck make dinner, Eddie protesting that he is not that bad a cook but not fooling anyone, not even himself.

He wants it all.

But he can’t have it.

“I’m sorry, Eddie.”

Eddie scoffs – the worst thing is that he does not sound surprised.

“I thought you were different,” he says, voice low and bitter. “You said you wouldn’t leave us – leave him.”

“Eddie, please.”

But Eddie is gone, leaving Buck alone, feeling like his whole world has come to a crash around him.

He should cry out after him, he should run after him, tell him the truth, ask for his help.

Does he deserve it though? Does he deserve to be protected when everything he does is hurting the people that he loves the most? Does he deserve their love even when he is nothing but a disappointment to them?

* * *

Buck is wrecked as they get back to the station.

No one tries talking or if they do, he does not hear it.

As soon as the truck is parked, Buck scrambles to get away. He wants to get in the shower and spend as much time as he can in it, put the water as hot as possible and let it peel his skin off. Maybe then he will be able to wash the guilt away.

He slips his hands in his turnover coat’s pockets, searching for his phone before he puts the coat back on the rack.

Instead, his fingers brush against something all too familiar.

It’s a piece of paper.

It’s from his stalker.

_You haven’t learned your lesson yet. I told you to stop touching other men but you continue to do it. First you go to Eddie’s for the evening, and now you keep touching Chimney?_

_Sometimes, Evan, I hate you as much as I love you._

_Try that again and I will make sure you never touch anyone else that’s not me ever again._

A heavy weight drags at the pit of his stomach.

His stalker was so close to Buck that he managed to slip a note in his pocket. That means that he was close enough to touch Buck, to smell him, and Buck saw nothing, felt nothing.

His stalker walked by him, reached his hand to him. He touched him.

Buck is shaking with anger and shock both. How is it even possible? How did Buck not notice anything? When did it happen? On which of their many calls did his stalker dare to slip him the note?

The team got called to so many different places, most of them crowded. There is no way for Buck to know – once again, he is powerless.

In a fit of rage, he crumbles the note and throws it on the ground, a half-formed shout escaping him. He feels violated, he feels stupid.

Why did he let his guard down?

“Buck, what’s this?”

Startled, Buck looks up. His eyes widen in horror at the sight.

Bobby is holding the piece of paper, his face twisted in cold fury. Behind him stand Hen, Chim and Eddie who are all staring at the pair of them with confusion and concern.

“This isn’t what it looks like.”

“Buck, this is someone threatening you,” Bobby says, angry, and Buck wants to hide away in shame. “Don’t tell me that’s nothing.”

“Cap’,” he tries.

Buck catches Eddie’s gaze but finds that he can’t hold it. There is a fire burning in Eddie’s eyes that Buck is not ready to face.

“Please, talk to me,” Bobby continues, his apprehension winning over his anger, and his voice sounds almost begging. “I’m worried about you. Something is wrong, and I need you to tell me what it is so I can help you. You don’t have to hide anything from us.”

He could lie, or try to at least. The excuses are on the tip of his tongue – he swallows them down. Exhaustion washes over him, he has not been able to sleep properly in days and he feels so alone.

Buck needs them. He needs the support of his family.

He can’t do this alone anymore.

“I have a stalker,” he admits, quiet as if whispering it will soften the blow.

* * *

His plan is falling into place.

He cannot wait for his and Evan’s life together to start, far away from California.

Together, they will start anew and they will be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go!! The truth is finally out!
> 
> What did you think of this chapter? Do you have any theories about who the stalker might be? Honestly, I'm having so much fun when you tell me your theories haha
> 
> Thanks for reading!! I will see you all very soon, I'm so excited for next chapter, Bobby's dad mode is on, and the whole team is gonna be big mad.


	4. Truths, Lies, Everything In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have a stalker.”
> 
> For one moment, the team says nothing at all. For one moment, Buck stands in the eye of the hurricane.
> 
> Then, everything comes crashing down around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!
> 
> I can't believe I've managed so far to post a chapter every three days. I was only gonna post once a week at first but I can't resist sharing the chapters as soon as I finish writing them oopsie
> 
> Thank you again for all your lovely feedback! I'm so happy that people are enjoying this story 💕

“I have a stalker.”

For one moment, the team says nothing at all. For one moment, Buck stands in the eye of the hurricane.

Then, everything comes crashing down around him.

“You have a stalker?” Bobby repeats, slow and tense.

He is standing still. Chim has taken the note from Bobby and he shakes his head at it, mouth growing thin, before he hands it to Hen whose eyes widen when she reads it. Buck looks away before he can see Eddie’s reaction.

“I’ve been receiving notes and letters,” and now that he is taking, all that Buck has been back these past few weeks is rushing out of him. “A picture that one time too, but I thought I could handle it. I didn’t want you guys to worry over me, I thought – ”

“Buck. Stop.”

Ashamed, Buck struggles to swallow past the lump in his throat. He keeps his eyes on Bobby only, not able to withstand the full force of his team’s worry at once, though he can still sense their gaze boring into him.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Almost a month.”

“A month?” Hen exclaims from behind their captain. “Jesus Christ, Buckley. You should have told us right away.”

If only the alarm could ring and free him for this confrontation, but of course it would be too easy.

“I can’t believe you,” Chim scoffs. “Why the hell didn’t you say anything? He is clearly insane.”

“I didn’t know at first,” Buck protests. “When I got the first note, I thought it was nothing, like someone had a crush on me or something.”

“And how long did it take you to figure out it wasn’t nothing, huh?”

Chim, like all of them, is pissed. They are still wearing their turnout coats, their faces covered in soot from the fire they just pulled out. They should be hurrying up to take a shower, to get some rest before their next call.

Buck does not answer.

“So this is why you’ve been pulling away? Canceling on us?” Eddie asks, his first words since Buck confessed. His voice is cold with burning anger.

“Yes.”

Hen mutters something under her breath – whatever it is, Buck is glad that he does not hear it. The way she holds herself, muscles stiffen, mouth clamped, he is sure that it would not been kind to him.

“You let me believe that – ” Eddie snaps his mouth shut. His jaw is clenched and he has to take a deep breath before he can talk again. “Why?”

“Because I wanted to protect you!”

Out of breath as if he had just run a marathon, Buck is shaking as he stands in front of them, him alone across from his team – the accused facing his jury. He tries to calm himself down because he knows that, even if his shaking is subtle, his friends will notice it with how much attention they are giving him right now.

“Your stalker threatened us?” Bobby asks, eyes sharp and fixed on Buck.

His stalker. _His_ stalker. Even though he knows he never asked for it, Buck can’t help but blame himself. This is his fault. This is someone after _him_. And now his family has been dragged into this madness.

“Eddie,” Buck corrects, ashamed. “After our movie night, but he doesn’t like it when I’m around the rest of you too much either.”

“Which is exactly why you should have told us,” Eddie snaps. “What were you thinking?”

“I wanted to catch him! I thought if I didn’t hang out with you all, he wouldn’t focus on you, and that I could catch him red-handed. I bought cameras but they haven’t given me anything yet. I was gonna deal with it on my own.”

“But why?” Hen asks, sounding drained all of the sudden.

Buck bows his head down.

“Everyone has been so busy with their own stuff, and things have been so good and I just, I don’t know, I didn’t want to burden anyone.”

“Burden?” Eddie repeats, seething. “Burden? You didn’t want to _burden_ anyone?”

“Eddie,” Buck tries but it’s useless, Eddie can no longer be stopped.

“How burdened do you think we’d be if that stalker murdered you? And we would have had no idea that you were being stalked in the first place? Tell me, Buck, how do you think we would have felt then?”

The end of his tirade is shouted almost. Buck could break with the force of Eddie’s anger.

“Alright,” Bobby calls with authority. “Everyone calm down.”

“Cap’,” Eddie tries but Bobby cuts him off.

“Believe me, I am as mad as you are, but we don’t have much time here. So I’m gonna need you to calm down, right now.”

“Cap’,” Buck says, almost desperate. “I’m good.”

“Oh, really?” Hen retorts.

“I am good,” Buck repeats. “It’s just letters.”

“You’re being stalked,” Chim cuts in. “It’s not just letters. That guy knows our names, that means he knows stuff about your life. That means he’s been following you.”

“He’s threatened you, and he’s threatened us.”

“I know,” he shouts, interrupting Hen before she can continue. “Okay, I know. I’m well aware, I’ve been the one getting these notes for the past three weeks. But I am dealing.”

There is still a part of him, loud and scared, that wants the team to walk away. People leave him, don’t they? He does not want to give them a reason to do it earlier than they have to, he does not want them to get hurt because of him.

“I’ve texted Athena,” Bobby announces and raises his finger in warning at Buck when he tries to protest. “Do not even try. You’re off shift for today and she’s waiting for you. That’s final.”

Panic rises in his chest. No, this is how it starts.

It’s one shift off to tell everything to Athena, and then before he knows it, he is benched again because he could put the team in danger.

Why does it always happen to him?

“Bobby, please. You can’t punish me for having a stalker.”

“Buck,” and Bobby sighs, worn out. “I’m not punishing you. I’m worried about you.”

But he refuses to let Bobby worry over this, especially not when his captain has only just starting to move on from the terror of hearing his wife get beaten up on the radio, listening in, helpless and terrified. Athena herself is still healing up from the physical pain of that encounter and trying to process the trauma of her brush with death.

“Don’t send me away.” Buck is horrified to find that he is close to begging but he can’t help it.

“Buckaroo, God,” Hen intervenes, her eyes sad. “No one is sending you away. Listen to what we’re saying. We’re mad, yes, but it’s only because we don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I can deal with this.”

“How well have you been dealing with it so far?”

His gaze snaps to Eddie whose entire body is still impossibly tensed.

“Nothing has happened to me, so I’d say good.”

It’s all lies and bravado. No one is fooled but Buck has hold into his mask for too long to let it shatter right now.

“You should come with live us,” Bobby says all out the sudden, determined. “I don’t like the idea of you living alone when someone is stalking you.”

Finding himself speechless at his captain’s words, Buck can do nothing but gape at him.

It never fails to amaze him that there are people who love him and who care about his safety and well-being. He wants nothing more than to say yes. He loves his apartment but has grown to hate the loneliness that digs to its walls.

He can almost picture it – he’d help Bobby with cooking and then insist on doing all the dishes even though Athena would protest. He’d volunteer to drive May and Harry to wherever they need to be, just to be helpful and because he loves those two kids. He’d bask into the feeling of family, the feeling of love and acceptance.

And yet –

“I can’t.”

Bobby frowns, ready to protest, but Buck forces himself to continue talking before his captain can say anything, even though the words hurt to say.

“If this stalker is dangerous, I’m not putting you guys in danger. Especially not May and Harry.”

“Buck, Athena is a cop, and you wouldn’t be alone.”

“And she’s still hurt.”

Buck shakes his head. His mind is already made up. This is his problem and his alone and he will deal with it on his own.

It’s a split decision. He sees Bobby going to argue some more, he sees Eddie still shaking with anger, he sees Chim looking like he wants to shake some sense into Buck, he sees Hen pursued lips and dark eyes.

It’s a split decision.

He won’t tell them about the note slipped under his apartment’s door.

He won’t tell them his stalker has been right outside his door.

He has said too much already.

“Plus,” he continues before his team can protest, “I’ve only gotten notes and letters. They haven’t approached me outside of that. There’s no need to panic just yet.”

“That’s what people say before it all goes to hell,” Chim butts in.

“I can take of myself, guys. Thanks Bobby but I’ll be fine on my own.”

“You won’t go to Bobby and Athena’s?” Eddie intervenes. “Fine. Then you come to my place.”

Buck’s heart skips a beat.

“No. Christopher – ”

“Christopher is going away to summer camp next week, and I won’t let anything happen to either of you.”

At the end of his rope, Buck tries to find help in his team but none of them look inclined to help him.

“You do live alone,” Hen says slowly. “It’d be safer if you weren’t by yourself.”

“I won’t put Christopher in danger.”

How can they even be thinking about it?

“You keep saying your stalker is not dangerous,” Eddie says, defiant.

“I won’t take any risks. Why are you even saying this?”

“I’ll protect you.”

And it sounds so firm, so decided, like, _of course,_ Eddie will protect him. Eddie will stand between Buck at the world and stop anything from hurting him ever again.

But this can’t be that easy.

Buck and Eddie stare at each other, neither of them refusing to give ground, both too stubborn. They have not had a fight since the lawsuit and Buck hates that his stalker has this victory over him, that he has managed to insinuate himself in his life and taint the most beautiful aspects of it.

“Okay, that’s it,” Bobby says. “Buck, you’re going to see Athena right now. Everyone else, go shower while we have time.”

Eddie breaks off their stare off with a huff, and he is the first to go away. Hen follows after one last tired glance at Buck.

“We’re not done talking about this,” Bobby tells him and then he is going too.

Buck watches as his team hurry to the showers, and he wants nothing but to run after them, tell them to forget about the whole thing, that it doesn’t matter. He wants to apologize too because he is hurting them and that’s always the last thing he wants.

“Chim, wait,” Buck calls, a thought striking him. “You can’t tell Maddie.”

“Are you being serious right now?”

If he calmed down at all, Chim is back to fuming.

“I don’t want her to stress,” Buck rushes to explain before he gets another talking down. “It won’t be good for the baby.”

Chim throws his hands in the air, breathing out in exasperation.

“Buck, man, I love you but I won’t lie to my _fiancée_ for you. Especially about something like that, are you insane?”

“But the baby – ”

“Keep your voice down,” Chim snaps before he catches himself and winces.

No one else knows about Maddie’s pregnancy just yet. Chimney and Maddie want to wait a few more weeks before they make any announcement.

“Look, Buck. She will stress out no matter when she learns about. She deserves to hear it from you, and she deserves to hear it now rather than later.”

Selfishly, Buck is relieved to have told his friends because that means that he does not have to carry the weight of his burden by himself anymore. Yet, sharing that weight means that others have to carry it too.

Again, he wants to apologize – for having told them, for causing this.

They deserve better.

He does not know how to be better. It seems like he can never be enough.

“You have to tell her,” Chim repeats, but he has lost some of his heat. “I won’t lie to her.”

“You’re right,” Buck relents. He has no other choice anyway. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’ll call her tonight.”

Chim passes a hand through his hair, sighing. “I have to hit the shower real fast before we get another call. Oh, and please do not get murdered.”

A laugh startles out of Buck. He does not think Chim is expecting an answer, but Chim is giving a pointed look and so Buck lets his smile drop.

“I’ll do my best,” he promises, solemn.

“I’m serious, Buck. Baby Maddie or Baby Chim will need their Uncle Buck, alright?”

He flashes him a dimmed smile and then he is running to the showers too.

Heart heavy, Buck stands there, alone. He almost waits for his team to come back, maybe to say explain himself some more. In the end, he decides against it.

He has done enough already as it is.

* * *

The door isn’t fully open yet but Athena is already scolding him.

“Evan Buckley, what were you thinking?”

Buck’s mom has never cared about either of her kids to scold them on anything. To this day, she must probably forget that she even has kids.

Faced with Athena’s fury, Buck finally gets to have a taste of a mother’s scolding.

All the excuses he has made up in his mind for keeping this secret for so long evade him under her fierce stare. What he comes up with is, “I’m sorry.”

At once, she deflates. She sighs, she looks jaded, her arm is still in a sling and her face has lost most of its bruises but Buck can still see them if he looks hard enough.

“Buckaroo,” she breathes out. “You’re going to be the death of me, you know that right?”

Shame. It’s always the shame that hurts the most – overwhelming, suffocating.

“Well, don’t stand here”, she continues, shooing him inside. “You and I have a lot to talk about.”

Later, when both of them are sitting in front of empty mugs and Buck has told her everything – almost but not quite – about his stalker, Athena reaches across the table to grab his hand. She does not say anything at first, neither does he. He has said enough.

“You need to learn how to ask for help.”

“I thought I could fix it alone,” he whispers.

“Why would you have to? I may not be a detective but I am still a cop.”

“Athena, you’ve been dealing with your own thing.”

“So?” she exclaims. “I’m not going to work your case, that’s for sure but I can still help you dealing with the police and making your statement. I’ll make some calls and then we are going to the precinct. There needs to be a record of this.”

Defeated, he nods.

She is right, of course she is. Even if he told no one about his stalker’s existence, he should have told the police by now. What if something had happened to him? No one would have had any idea.

Her hand reaches to grab his chin and, gently, she forces him to look up at her.

“We’re going to catch him,” she promises.

He smiles, sad and tired, but he feels warm. He can believe her. He wants to.

* * *

There isn’t anything the police can do except make a report.

Their hands are tied until something happens to him.

Buck was expecting this but it still stings when he gets the news.

Only Athena’s solid presence keeps him from doing something drastic – like storm out of there or burst out sobbing.

* * *

“Do you have any idea who could be doing this? Anyone strange or insistent that you’ve met recently? Someone that might have flirted with you?”

They are back in his Jeep, Buck is driving Athena back to her place. Bobby might already be home by now, and he is not looking forward to another talking down. He is exhausted, he wants nothing but to hide in his bed and pretend everything is alright.

“Athena, I don’t want to be sound like a jackass, but a lot of people flirt with me.”

She does not reply until they get back to her house, lost in thoughts. Buck keeps his eyes on the road. How disappointed in him is she?

“Come inside,” she offers after he has cut the contact off.

“Another time,” he says. “I’m tired.”

“Buck. You don’t have to do this alone. We’re a family, we take care of each other.”

Overwhelmed, Buck has to blink away the sudden tears that well up in his eyes. Athena brings him down to her level and, without a word, presses a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“You call if there’s anything, alright?”

“I will,” he lies.

* * *

There is no note when he gets back to his apartment – small mercies. He does not think he could deal with it after the day that he has had.

He goes up to his bed, crashing onto it, foregoing shower and meal.

It was the right decision to keep some things to himself.

They would have never let him go back to his place if they knew that his stalker had taken the risk to drop a note at his place, and then slip a note directly into his pocket.

Now that he is alone, he lets himself feel all that he has been repressing all day.

His stalker was next to him, close enough to touch him, close enough to kill him if he wanted to. He could have had a gun or a knife, he could have stabbed Buck and Buck would have not seen it coming.

How daring of his stalker. What a risk that was.

How much more risks will he dare to take?

Buck has found no note in three days and then one slipped in his pocket.

Six days from now will mark the one-month anniversary of his first note.

Buck can’t help but shudder. In his guts, he is sure, his stalker is preparing something. The only question is what.

His entire body is aching with exhaustion and tension.

Maddie called him as he was driving back to his place. She did not take the news well, as expected.

“I love you, Evan,” she said before they hung up. “I don’t want you keeping things from me to protect me.”

It hurts to know that he is the reason behind the distressed tone of her voice.

She has just gotten engaged, she is pregnant. She should be enjoying her life to the fullest with her fiancé, not worry about her dumb little brother who can never do anything right.

His phone rings with a text notification and Buck is very tempted to ignore it, half-asleep as he is, but his friends have all sworn that they would come breaking down his door if he did not keep in touch regularly.

It’s from Eddie.

_**Received – 7:17pm** _

_You’re comin_ _g to movie night_ _tomorrow_ _._ _Christopher_ _is asking for_ _you and we need to talk_

Buck stares at the text, unsure what to respond. His first reflex is to refuse, to back away. He receives another two messages one after the other before he can even try typing anything back.

_**Received – 7:19pm** _

_Don’t even think about saying no_

_I will come drag you if I have to_

What can he say to that? So he says the only thing that makes sense.

_**Sent – 7:20pm** _

_I’ll be there_

* * *

He can’t help but stroke lovingly at his screen.

Evan is finally asleep, still in his clothes from the day, and he craves the need to smooth the tensed lines of his brow, to kiss away the nightmares that make him trash in his bed, night after night.

All will be well, in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought Buck would stop being a dumbass, you thought wrong ah!
> 
> What did you think? Did you enjoy the confrontation between Buck and the firefam? No note this chapter too hmm I wonder why that is...
> 
> This chapter kicked my ass, I really wanted to do that scene justice and I hope that I did.
> 
> I will see you soon for next chapter which I can't wait to post honestly... 😇


	5. Slumber Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah.” There is a pregnant pause. “What’s with Eddie?”
> 
> “You’ve seen him. He’s mad at me and tonight he wants me to come over for a movie night with Christopher.”
> 
> “I thought you said yes?”
> 
> He shifts his body to face her as much as he can, “Eddie told you about it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I wanted to clarify something from last chapter that I realized could be confusing. Buck did not get any notes for three days, and then he got one slipped in his pocket.
> 
> It's been corrected because it wasn't clear enough and I felt dumb as a rock so yeah, I'm very sorry!
> 
> Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the comments and kudos 💕
> 
> **Warning for voyeurism and invasion of privacy**

Heat has taken over Los Angeles.

Even the nights don’t bring comfort anymore. When Buck wakes up after a few short hours of restless sleep, he finds that he has kicked his clothes off in his slumber. Before all this, he would have let his windows open to let in what little fresh air he could, now he is terrified at the idea of a faceless man climbing in and laying next to him in his bed.

Tired, he makes a mental note of calling in his landlord to get his AC fixed though he knows he will forget it as he has kept forgetting for the past weeks.

He gets out his bed and stretches, trying to undo the knots in his neck and back - it does not work. It doesn’t anymore.

Naked as the day he was born and not caring one bit, Buck takes the time to prepare his clothes for the day before hopping in the shower where he stays as long as possible under the ice cold water.

He goes to his kitchen where he gets the coffee machine started and, munching on an apple he doesn't taste, he finally checks his phone. A small smile appears on his lips at all the notifications he finds.

**Received - 6:01am**

_I’m picking you up buckaroo don’t expect coffee and don’t be late_

He shoots Hen a quick reply to assure her he won’t be late before opening another message, this one from Chim.

**Received - 6:13am**

_Still alive?_

Buck has also two messages from Bobby, _Text me that everything is fine as soon as you wake up_ , and the second about ten minutes later that says, _Buck answer me or I’m coming over_.

He hates that he makes his team worry sick over him but the selfishness in his heart is overjoyed at the open affection he is getting. They worry because they love him.

Texts sent and even one selfie taken for Maddie who asks to know how she can be sure that’s really her brother answering her, he hurries out of his apartment to wait for Hen.

Despite the early hour and the fact that he stands in the shade, he is still sweating profusely by the time she arrives to get him.

It’s something his team has taken to do these past few days. They don’t like him being alone more than he has to, they already hate that he insists on going back to his place every night, so they alternate picking him up and driving him back to his place.

Hen tries talking to him but he only hums his answers at her. His focus is taken by the last messages, the only ones he hasn’t answered yet. They are all from Eddie.

**Received - 2:57am**

_Why didn’t you tell me?_

**Received - 3:31am**

_I’m so pissed at you, I want you to come to me if you’re in trouble_

**Received - 5:44am**

_Tonight is movie night with Christopher, you have to be there  
_

It makes his heart ache to see how spread apart the messages are. Did Eddie get any sleep at all? One bad night could make the difference between the right and wrong decision in their line of work, and that would be Buck’s fault.

“Everything alright, Buck?”

He snaps his attention back to Hen. She is giving him a side-eyed look, managing still to make it pointed.

“It’s just,” and Buck sighs, trailing off.

“Just?”

“Eddie.”

“Ah.” There is a pregnant pause. “What’s with Eddie?”

“You’ve seen him. He’s mad at me and tonight he wants me to come over for a movie night with Christopher.”

“I thought you said yes?”

He shifts his body to face her as much as he can, “Eddie told you about it?”

She snorts. A car honks at them for no reason and Hen flips the driver off - who turns out to be the oldest and meanest-looking old lady Buck has ever seen. L.A. is a very wild place at times.

“Yeah, he may have mentioned it.”

“What did he say?” Buck presses when she won’t elaborate.

“Are you not going then?” she asks instead.

He huffs. If Hen has decided not to say anything, there is nothing he can do that will make her talk, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. Petulantly, he almost stops answering her. The only reason he doesn’t is that he knows she will keep pestering him until he gives in.

“I am, but I’m only staying for a couple of hours.”

“Oh, great. Don’t tell him until shift is over, I really don’t want to deal with that drama today.”

Despite her sarcasm, she gives him an encouraging squeeze to the arm when Eddie barely acknowledges his greeting.

The day is as long and tensed as they have been since Buck confessed to having a stalker. On calls and at the station alike, they all keep glancing behind them, searching for a strange onlooker, as if one look would help them identify Buck’s tormentor.

Buck hates it.

His work is his life. If he doesn’t have it, what does he have?

One good thing to come out from it is that the team is much more open with their affection to Buck. He has lost count of how many times Bobby has patted him on the back or the shoulder or Chim has dragged him in a one-armed hug or Hen has affectionately pinched his cheeks or booped his nose.

Buck has always craved physical touch, and now that the team’s anger has deflated for only their worry of him to remain, they seem to want to make sure he is still there, that no one has taken him just yet.

Eddie is different, but then he always is.

He has barely said anything to him Buck he has learned of Buck’s stalker, the only time he ever acknowledges him is through text messages that Buck never quite know how to answer. Eddie has also barely left Buck’s side on shift – it’s all very confusing and Buck is too exhausted to translate all the nuances of Eddie's anger.

Eddie will come to him on his own time.

* * *

It never used to happen, but Buck is relieved when their shift is over. His relief is short-lived however, tonight is movie night with the Diazes and he feels guilty about going, though Eddie has not left him with much choice.

He could slip out, he thinks as he finishes changing out of his uniform. He is tempted to make a run for it, even without a car. He could call a Uber or even take the bus.

As if hearing his second thoughts, Eddie appears in front of him right as Buck closes his locker.

“Let’s go,” is the only thing Eddie says.

Wordlessly, Buck follows him to his truck and gets in. Neither men say anything for the whole ride over to the Diaz home and Buck does not remember ever being as tensed as he is right now.

They still have not said a word to each other by the time Eddie parks the car, but when Buck goes to open the door, Eddie reaches out to him and grabs his arm.

“You’re staying the night.”

Buck sighs, “Did Hen tell you?”

“Oh, I know you, Buckley,” Eddie shoots back. “You’re staying the night.”

“I’ve never told you that I would. I said yes for the the movie night, not to stay over. And that’s what I’m going to do.”

Eddie shakes his head, his lips are pressed thin together and the muscles of his jaw are clenched so hard they might snap.

“You’re staying,” he repeats, low. “Do not make me tie you up, ‘cause I will.”

And oh – if that does not inspire something in Buck’s wildest fantasies. He buries that thought down with all the thousand others like it to think about in the privacy of his own home.

“How many times do you want me to say it? Chris – ”

“Christopher will sleep in the living room with us, we’re gonna make it a slumber party.”

His tone is sarcastic yet also determined. Buck frowns, ready to shoot the idea down but he hesitates. This could work. If they are all three in the same room, they would be able to react fast to an intruder. They would be as safe as can be.

His stalker would probably not even take the risk of entering a home with two grown men inside, not when he has only approached Buck the coward way – once when Buck was asleep to slip a note under his door, and when Buck was working and not paying attention to his surroundings to slip another in his pocket.

“I am not letting you go,” Eddie says and it sound more intimate, raw almost. “I couldn’t lose – ”

He cuts himself off and looks away.

“You won’t lose me,” Buck swears. He could never leave Eddie and Christopher, he is in it for life, no matter what they want from him.

“When you pulled away, I thought I was losing you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie lets out a long breath. He is staring at the front door of his house, and Buck is staring at him. The need to touch Eddie, to kiss him, is almost unbearable. Buck has never felt so strongly for anyone else in his life. Eddie is the sun, Eddie is his everything.

Buck will never love anyone else like he does Eddie. He knows he will never want to anyway. What's the point of being with anyone else if it's not the love of his life?

“Don’t ever do that again,” Eddie says suddenly and for a wild moment, Buck could have sworn it was close to begging.

“I won’t. I won’t, I’m sorry.”

They stay like this for a beat longer, and then Eddie opens his door. Just like that, the moment is broken. Buck collects the shattered pieces of himself – what can he do to fix this?

“Hey Buck,” Christopher exclaims happily when he sees him, hurrying to give him a hug and Buck kneels down to welcome him in his arms.

“Superman,” he breathes out against Christopher’s curls.

All his fears and worries are melting away with his favorite human wrapped around him. No matter what happens in his life, Buck will always be overcome with love and joy at seeing Christopher.

“Dad said you couldn’t come to movie night,” Chris says when they part. “I was so sad.”

“I’m sorry, buddy. But your dad and I found a way so I could come.”

Eddie is still standing in the doorway his gaze heavy as he looks in at the scene before him. Buck’s stomach churns and he doesn’t know why.

Dinner is a strange affair. They pretend for Christopher’s sake that everything is alright but they won’t look at one another for longer than a glance, and some of Eddie’s hand-off remarks are a little too pointed. Buck says nothing back.

It’s what he deserves.

* * *

That night, Buck, Eddie and Christopher make camp in the living room, as promised.

Christopher is so overjoyed at the idea and it takes him the longest time to fall asleep.

Surrounded by the two people he loves the most in the world, Buck could almost pretend that this is their daily life, that Eddie is his husband and Christopher is their kid and this is something they do together all the time.

But the reality is that Eddie will never love him how Buck craves to be loved and Christopher will never be his kid, and one day Eddie will meet a woman and fall in love and Christopher will love her too.

Buck will be forgotten, pushed aside, and he will never have these moments ever again.

He will bear it with a smile because all that matters is their happiness, not his. Never his.

Christopher is laying in between Buck and Eddie, fast asleep, a smile tugging at his sleep even then, and Buck can’t help but pass a hand through the kid’s hair to tame down his curls.

When he looks up, Eddie’s eyes are boring into him. Buck’s breath catches in his throat.

Time stills.

There are a million things being said in silence between them, but Buck has no idea what they are saying. His thoughts are storming, his heart is beating fast.

If Christopher wasn’t asleep there –

No. Nothing would happen either way.

Would it?

Eddie is still staring at him, and Buck is not looking away. He could never look at way.

Everything else ceases to exist. There is nothing else in the entire universe but Eddie’s warm brown eyes, heavy and deep, and the sound of Christopher’s quiet breathing. Nothing else could ever matter again, but this moment, right there, right then.

In that moment, Buck has everything he could have ever wanted.

* * *

At some point, Buck falls asleep.

He dreams of Eddie’s eyes.

For the first time since this all started, Buck sleeps through the night.

* * *

The next day, Buck and Eddie drop Christopher at Carla’s before going to work.

Buck has not received a note since the one slipped into his pocket and he is growing more and more worried. Especially now that he has spent the night at Eddie’s, he is terrified that his stalker will do something drastic.

The one month anniversary is growing ever closer too. What will his stalker do? Will he even do something at all? Or is that too much to hope for?

The team is going back from several back to back calls – nothing major but they are all drenched in sweat from the unforgiving heat of the Los Angeles sun, and all are longing for a quick shower and some rest before they have to get back out there.

“Buckley,” Jackson calls from the loft and Buck tenses right away.

He still has his suspicions about the guy.

“What?” he asks – too cold, too aggressive.

Jackson gives him a weird look, “There’s a package for you, man. It arrived when you were out with the team.”

With that, Jackson is gone, seemingly unaware of the bomb he has just dropped on him.

Buck runs upstairs and he can hear the others following after him.

There is a gift box left on the table with a purple bow tied around it. Buck can see a letter clipped to it with his name written on it. _Evan._ Without a doubt, he knows who this is from.

No one else calls him Evan.

Breathless with anger, he can do nothing but stare at it, his entire body shaking.

“Who left it?” he hears Bobby call after Jackson.

“A delivery guy came, I signed it for Buck. Why? Something’s wrong?”

Buck is simmering with rage. What is it now? When is he ever going to be free from this madness? Can’t his stalker come out the shadows and face him already? Buck cannot deal with this game of hide and seek any longer.

He takes one determined step, hands already outstretched towards the box.

“Don’t,” Chim and Hen cry out both.

Eddie’s hand is wrapped around Buck’s bicep, holding him back.

“We don’t need a bomb squad,” Buck scoffs, angry not at his team but at the absurdity of the situation. “I’m opening it.”

And he goes to do just that before anyone can stop him.

There is no bomb inside, though Buck almost wishes there was.

There are hundreds and hundreds of pictures.

Of Buck. Buck out on calls, Buck getting groceries, Buck jogging in the park. Buck with Maddie, Buck with Eddie and Christopher.

Buck. Everywhere.

“Oh crap,” Chim blurts out. “This is insane.”

“No one touches anything,” Bobby orders. “There could be fingerprints or DNA. I’m calling Athena.”

Buck is frozen in his place, unable to process what he is seeing. He has accepted a long time that his stalker has some severe mental issues and that his obsession with him is unhealthy and dangerous, but to be faced with it in such a way is staggering.

When he received that picture of himself and Chim, Buck thought this was just a one-time thing. He never thought that his stalker has kept going, taking pictures after pictures of every of Buck’s movement.

His gaze lands on a picture – it was taken three months ago, Buck recognizes it instantly. Eddie and Christopher had invited him to spend the day with them and they had gone to the beach, something that they had taken to do to help Christopher with his aquaphobia and to overcome the nightmares of the tsunami.

Buck’s blood boils.

This moment was intimate, precious. How dare he sully it with their sick obsession of him?

And then his blood turns to ice. That day happened three months ago.

Two months before Buck got the first note.

“He’s been watching me for months,” Buck realizes out loud.

“Buck,” Hen breathes out shakily. “You should come take a look at this.”

She is peering into the content of the box though she makes sure not to touch anything. He walks up to her to look at where she is pointing. Next to him, he can feel Eddie and Chim doing the same.

“Fucking hell,” Eddie swears loudly.

It’s a picture of Buck, of course. The angle of the shot is high, as if it had been taken from the ceiling. Buck is laying in his bed, half-naked, asleep.

His stalker has put cameras in his apartment.

He has been watching him sleep, maybe even shower. He has been watching him in the most intimate moments of Buck’s day.

Buck feels soiled, sullied – violated.

His legs crumble from under him. Hands catch him, he does not see who they belong to, he does not feel them on his body.

* * *

_My dearest, my love, my all,_

_I have seen you spent the night with Eddie. My heart is in shambles but I continue to believe in our destiny._

_You will see. One day I will make you see that_ _you_ _belong to_ _me_ _,_ _and I_ _to_ _you._

_No one will ever love you the way that I do. Why are you searching for love in other places? I’m here, don’t you see me? Don’t you feel me?_

_W_ _e are meant to be together._ _We will be together, t_ _hat’s a promise I make to you and the universe._ _We will_ _be forever or we will not be at all._

 _D_ _o not worry._ _Everything is falling into place._ _Freedom is awaiting us,_ _rejo_ i _ce!_

_Signed,_

_Your beloved._

* * *

He looks at the object in his hands and laughs.

Freedom is awaiting them and he is rejoicing.

Evan and he are about to be reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are gonna get serious very soon.
> 
> I almost had this chapter be much longer but decided to post it as is.
> 
> I've been so inspired today and I'm honestly so excited for the next few chapters. Not to oversell it but you are going to **hate** me, I can't wait!!
> 
> About how long this will be, I'm thinking at least four more, maybe five.


	6. Between Two Lungs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to cry or shout maybe. Some part of him is still half-hoping for someone to come out and yell out, _you got pranked_ , because how can any of this be real?
> 
> “There’s something else.” Of course there is. “We found no signs of infraction so, whoever your stalker is, he’s got keys to your place.”
> 
> Maddie gasps.
> 
> “Change your locks,” Mullins says. “Until we catch this guy, I would advise you against staying there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning for user EL**
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Hey!! 💕💕
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love you've shown this fic!! I'm absolutely overwhelmed by everyone's kindness. I know I say it every time but it's always true.
> 
> This chapter's title is from the eponymous song (and album!) by Florence + The Machine. What can I say? I love her.

Maddie holds his hand in support, Buck is grateful for it.

They are at Bobby and Athena’s house. After Buck all but passed out from the shock of realizing that his stalker had not only been after him for much longer than he thought but had also put cameras up in his room, Maddie came to pick him up. It’s not like he could have kept up working even if he wanted to.

“We found three cameras in your apartment, Mister Buckley. One was in your kitchen, the way it was put, it encompassed your whole first floor, including your living room area. Then there was the one in your bedroom and, I’m sorry to say, but we found the last one in your bathroom, facing your shower.”

Yvonne Mullins is the detective assigned to work on Buck’s case. She is a stern, forty-something woman with dark long hair tied in a low ponytail, Athena swears by her work ethic and her dedication to her work which is all Buck cares about.

He feels sick to his stomach – his bathroom, his stalker watched him shower. God, how many times did he watch Buck as he was playing with himself in there? How much has he seen? Does anything of Buck still belong to himself or has it all been taken by his tormentor?

Maddie tightens her hold on his hand. It might be the only thing keeping him afloat.

“Can we get this guy’s IP address?” Athena asks. Her tone is clipped, she is the picture of ice-cold anger, eyes dark and jaw clenched.

“The feed is live,” Mullins explains evenly. “If he is recording, which he most probably is considering all the pictures he’s been taking of Mister Buckley, it’s on his end. We’re trying to locate his IP address but he’s covered his tracks well.”

“How long has he – ” but Buck can’t even bring himself to ask it.

“I can’t say for sure,” Mullins answers and for the first time, she does look sorry. “If you want my opinion, I’d say the cameras have been there for at least a few weeks, maybe more.”

He wants to cry or shout maybe. Some part of him is still half-hoping for someone to come out and yell out, _you got pranked,_ because how can any of this be real?

“There’s something else.” Of course there is. “We found no signs of infraction so, whoever your stalker is, he’s got keys to your place.”

Maddie gasps.

“Change your locks,” Mullins says. “Until we catch this guy, I would advise you against staying there.”

She is gone not long after.

Athena and Maddie are having a conversation but Buck can hear none of it. All that he can hear is the crazy thumping of his own heart, loud and deafening.

This is a nightmare and he just wants to wake up.

He wants his life back.

* * *

They go back to his place for him to pick up some clothes and necessities. Of course, Maddie refuses to leave his side and even Athena offers to come with them, though she doesn’t insist when she sees how shell-shocked Buck is.

An officer accompanies them, just in case. Buck doesn’t even catch the guy’s name – there are too many thoughts going through his brain and he can’t calm down.

It’s his luck of course that he should come across a friend when he is the least in the mood to talk.

Bianca Cosentino flashes Buck a sunny smile when she spots him but it soon turns into a frown as she takes in the sight he makes. He tries giving her a smile back, anything to erase that look of worry on her face, but it must come out as a grimace because her eyes widen even more at his attempt.

“Buck,” she breathes out. “What’s wrong, honey?”

Bianca is Mr and Mrs Malinowski’s home health care aid. She actually works for the same organization as Carla and it’s through Carla that Buck helped his neighbors find Bianca. She is a loving friend and an attentive mother to her kids, and Buck has always found her to be an infinite source of comfort.

“It’s complicated,” he evades. “But how are you? How are the kids?”

She takes a look at him, and then at Maddie and the two of them must have a silent conversation because Bianca sighs before turning her gaze back on Buck.

“They’re good,” she replies with a loving smile. “Luccia is doing much better now. Her doctors are so positive about her prognosis.”

Last year, Luccia was diagnosed with leukemia two months before her twelfth birthday. Buck did all that he could to help the Cosentinos during their hard time, doing the grocery shopping for Mr and Mrs M when Bianca couldn’t because of her daughter’s appointment, and even helped the aid that was sent in her place when she took some time off work and never found the time to brief the new guy.

The news that Luccia is doing so good manages to bring a real smile to Buck’s face, the first in too long.

“I’m so happy,” he tells her honestly. “She’s a fighter, that kid.”

“She really is,” she says but her her smile slips, her eyes fixed on him.

Buck feels his face starting to crumble at the look Bianca is giving him, full of love and concern, directed right at him. It’s so much more than he ever deserved.

“I’m okay,” he whispers to answer the unasked question.

“Are you?”

“I will be,” he corrects.

Will he?

She makes sure to press a gentle kiss to his cheeks. The open affection, the maternal gesture, threatens to send him crumbling to the floor but he holds himself up.

Too soon, he is standing in front of his apartment’s door.

He breathes in but the breath does not fill his lungs, and then he is pushing the door open.

“I’ll wait outside.”

Buck doesn’t pay much attention to the officer but he hears Maddie answer him. He figures that will do. He is too overwhelmed to be polite, though he knows he will feel guilty about it later.

Right away, his gaze is drawn to the hole in the ceiling where one of the cameras was found.

The cameras were small according to Detective Mullins, he would have never noticed them if he hadn’t been looking for it.

Distantly, he thinks that he can kiss his security deposit goodbye and the thought is so nonsensical that he almost bursts out laughing hysterically.

“How are you holding up?” Maddie asks softly.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live here again.”

Buck looks at the kitchen counter, at the living room, at the stairs that lead to his bedroom and to his bathroom. He used to feel sheltered here – not home, really, but enough that he could relax, feel at ease.

Every space of his apartment has been tainted by his stalker.

He could never feel safe here ever again.

“Mads,” he whispers brokenly. “He had cameras everywhere.”

“I’m sorry, Evan, I’m so sorry.”

His breath catches, “Don’t.”

Though he is not looking at her, he knows that she is frowning. She moves closer to him, yet leaving enough distance not to make him feel crowded. His chest is too tight, it feels like there is no longer air going to his lungs.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Oh, Buck.”

She wraps her arms around him, bringing him close to her. Tears well up in his eyes but he closes them, trying to keep himself standing and whole.

“I’m here for you, Buck. I’m always going to be here for you.”

And then he can’t hold it back anymore.

Buck breaks down crying.

His whole body is shaking with the strength of his sobs.

Maddie never lets go of him, even when his breathing fill in the place with broken sounds, even when his trembling is so forceful that it could compete with the worst of earthquakes, even when he wails and yells and screams at the injustice of it.

She stays by his side through it all, murmuring soft words of comfort and stroking his back in gentle touches that anchor him in the present, that bring him back from the verge of hysteria.

* * *

Drained, lost in his grief, he only comes out of his apathetic state when he notices where Maddie has driven them. It startles him back into himself and he turns to his sister with wide eyes.

“Why are we here?” he asks, voice lower than normal.

“He insisted that you stay at his place from now on.”

As if conjured, Eddie comes out of his house, walking to them with a determined expression.

“This is what’s happening,” he says to Buck as soon as he catches up to the rolled-down window. “Christopher has only two more nights here before he goes to summer camp and until then, we’re gonna sleep in the living room like we did for movie night.”

If Buck wasn’t feeling so exhausted, then maybe he would have tried to protest. Instead, he drags himself out of the car, wordlessly, and gets inside the house.

Christopher is there to welcome him, as enthusiastic as always, and it takes Buck all the little strength that he has left not to break down in his embrace.

* * *

Tension grows among Buck and his family.

He does not get any new notes or gifts from his stalker but Buck has learned that it doesn’t mean that he’s gone, that he’s not lurking and watching.

Christopher may suspect that something is going on but he is so happy that Buck is spending so much time at his home before he goes to camp that he doesn’t ask too many questions.

The anniversary of Buck receiving his first note falls on the day before Christopher goes to summer camp.

Despite Buck’s less than subtle attempts at suggesting he should maybe spend that night elsewhere, Eddie stands firm on his ground.

Buck will stay there whether he wants it or not.

(He does, even if he wishes it were under different circumstances.)

* * *

On the day of, Buck can’t take one step without being shadowed by at least one member of his team.

He gets several phone calls and numerous text notifications from Maddie, Athena and even Karen and Michael.

It seems like all of Los Angeles is holding its breath with him.

It’s the hottest day of the year so far, it’s suffocating – the air is heavy and polluted and they can’t breathe properly.

They are all anxious, waiting for the sky to fall on them or for someone to jump at them. Buck almost starts wishing for something to happen, anything to break that unbearable tension.

The day goes and their shift ends and nothing out of the ordinary happens.

* * *

That night, Buck and Eddie take turns sleeping, just to make sure that nothing happens.

Nothing does.

* * *

“I really thought he’d try something yesterday,” Buck whispers as he accepts the coffee cup Eddie is handing him.

It’s still early but neither managed to get much rest. Christopher will be up soon anyway, excited for his adventure to commence.

Buck will miss the kid like crazy but he is also relieved that Christopher will be far from the craziness for a little while. If only the police could catch the guy before he came back.

“Maybe he wanted to but he never got his opening,” Eddie replies just as low.

“Maybe.”

Eddie makes a humming sound and then he is putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder, letting his thumb rest on Buck’s neck before catching his gaze.

“We’ll get him,” he promises. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

“You’re gonna go full Fight Club on him?” Buck jokes but Eddie is serious, intent.

“Yes,” he replies, eyes dark. “If that’s what it takes.”

A chill runs through Buck’s entire body. There is no way Eddie can’t feel it, can’t feel the sudden tension in his shoulders, but he doesn’t take a step back. He lets his hand where it is, and tightens his hold even.

Buck has to bury his nails in his palms to hold himself back from pushing Eddie into the nearest wall and kissing him senseless.

A loud thumping noise makes them jump apart.

“What was that?”

It came from outside, from the backyard. Both men take a look at each other and then Eddie is rushing back to the living room, as silent as can be. He comes back seconds later with a wooden baseball bat and a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“You stay here,” Eddie orders, low. “Stay with Christopher, I’ll go check.”

“No,” Buck protests. “I’m coming with you.”

“I need you to look after Chris. I’ll be right back.”

Before Buck can say anything else, Eddie is already gone to check the noise. For a split second, Buck is tempted to follow suite but he could never leave Christopher alone like that, not when there could be a dangerous insane man out there.

The minutes tick. Buck can’t hear any noise, he stands ready to run after Eddie should he need his assistance. He has his phone in his hand, thumb hovering over the call button, 911 already typed.

The door opens.

“There’s nothing,” Eddie announces. “I didn’t find anything weird.”

Buck lets out a long breath. His neck is hurting with how much stress he has been feeling recently.

“Maybe we’re becoming paranoid,” he says as Eddie puts the baseball back under the couch.

“Maybe.”

Christopher sighs loudly. His eyes flutter open, his gaze falls on the two men and, unaware of the tension, he grins as wide as his mouth will allow.

“It’s summer camp day!”

* * *

Waving Christopher goodbye as the bus drives off proves to be one of the hardest thing that Buck has ever had to do.

He knows that Christopher isn’t his own and that he will never be, yet it still breaks his heart to see him growing up so fast and to become so independent even if he is endlessly proud of him and of the incredible person he is growing up into.

“He’ll be alright. And it’s only two weeks, he’ll be back before you know it.”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes out. “You’re right.”

He does not move though, his eyes still fixed in the distance, where the bus has driven off. Buck nudges him in the shoulder.

“Come on, we gotta do something. We’re not gonna mope for two weeks.”

Buck is trying so hard to act normal, to make his smile as big as it ought to be, anything to shake his best friend out of his sad mood.

Eddie turns to him, face unreadable, eyes boring into Buck’s. Then he chuckles, his gaze turning soft, fond even, like he can’t help but be amused by Buck.

“Alright. Let’s keep busy.”

And it’s so normal, so _them_ , that Buck can pretend that everything is fine.

At last, he feels alive again.

* * *

True to their words, Buck and Eddie keep busy.

Spending the day with his best friend, their fight brushed aside, Buck finds himself smiling wide and true. It feels like a victory.

His stalker has not reached out to him again, he did nothing on the anniversary of the first note.

An impossible hope grows in Buck’s chest – maybe this is over.

Maybe his stalker gave up.

* * *

They are finishing up the dishes, side by side, working in tandem in a well-oiled rhythm.

“It’s empty without Christopher,” Eddie says.

“You tell me. You know he’s my favorite Diaz, it’s like, why am I still even here?”

Eddie rolls his eyes but he laughs as he pretends to punch him in the arm.

It’s late and they are both exhausted by the little amount of sleep they got last night. Eddie has already yawned twice in the last ten minutes, and he is no better.

Buck eyes the couch and has to hold back a sigh. His back is already hurting him just thinking about spending a night on it, not to mention several. There is no telling how long Buck will have to stay at Eddie’s.

“Well,” Buck says as he stretches his neck. “I think I’ll be hitting the couch, I’m pretty beat.”

Eddie scoffs at that, “Right, yeah, no. You’re sleeping with me.”

“What?” Buck asks, strangled. “No, I’m not – ”

“If you think I’m letting you sleep in here where I can’t see you, then you’ve got another thing coming.”

“Eddie, you don’t have to. I’ll be alright.”

There is no way Buck is sleeping in the same bed as Eddie. He wouldn’t try anything extreme, but he has always been a clingy sleeper and he is afraid he might do something as irrational as cuddle Eddie in his sleep.

It would be too much also to be so close to the man that he loves, knowing that none of his fantasies of a life shared and lazy mornings spent in bed could ever be real.

“Buck,” Eddie utters and it’s low and broken, his eyes are intent yet open. “I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. I want to take care of you. Let me protect you.”

Just like that, Buck’s resolution shatters. This is all that he has ever longed for – someone to love him, to hold him. Eddie only means it as his best friend but it’s still so much more than Buck can handle.

Unable to speak, he can only nod his acceptance.

Eddie’s shoulders lose some of their edge.

They don’t speak after that.

They go through the motions of their night routine and Buck does not have to ask Eddie for anything, he knows where everything in his best friend’s house. It’s so domestic, like something they do every night.

Even then, they are in perfect synchronization. It hurts Buck as much as it brings him joy – they could be great together, if only Eddie would love him like that.

Buck hesitates at the foot of the bed.

He opens his mouth, to say what he isn’t sure, but Eddie throws him a warning look.

“Alright,” Buck gives in. “I’m coming.”

Eddie’s bed isn’t very large, there isn’t much space between them. Their arms and legs are brushing and every touch sends electricity through Buck’s entire body. Laying on his back, his gaze focused on the ceiling, Buck tries his best to control his breathing.

He feels Eddie get settled next to him. Buck bites down the desire to reach out and touch even if just for taking Eddie’s hand in his.

It doesn’t help that they are both shirtless, the heat too unbearable to wear anything more than shorts to bed.

“Good night,” Eddie whispers.

Buck closes his eyes.

“Good night, Eds.”

 _I love you,_ he does not say.

It’s strangely easy to fall asleep like that, with Eddie by his side, his breathing slow next to him.

His last thought before he dozes off is that he wishes he could have this for the rest of his life.

* * *

Buck wakes up to Eddie practically straddling him.

One of his leg is thrown over Buck’s hips and his arm slung over Buck's chest, holding him tight. Eddie’s face is pressed against the crook of his neck, his warm breath tickling the skin there.

Buck keeps his eyes closed and his breathing under control, decided to enjoy the moment for as long as he will be allowed to – until Eddie wakes up and pulls away that is.

But he feels Eddie move, he feels him wake up.

He does not feel him pull away instantly. Eddie stays in the same position for the longest minutes of Buck’s life.

Eddie sighs before dragging himself up, careful not to wake Buck up, unaware that Buck is already wide awake.

It’s a wonder that Eddie does not hear how loud Buck’s heart is beating.

Buck could have sworn he felt Eddie pressed a phantom kiss to his throat.

* * *

It takes Buck a while to get up.

“Slept well?” Eddie asks when he notices him.

“Yeah,” Buck croaks out. “You?”

There is a cup of coffee in front of him before he even has time to think about asking for one.

“Me too.”

Buck could burst with love right now. How much he craves this to be real, yearns for it to be forever.

He wants to wake up every morning and be greeted by Eddie’s smile. He wants to grow old with this wonderful man and watch as Christopher grow up into the best man the world has ever known.

He wants it all so much that he could implode with it.

“You alright, Buck?”

Eddie’s eyes are soft – _loving._

Buck takes one step closer to his best friend, unsure of what he wants to do. Eddie stays rooted in place, curiously gazing at him and Buck reads in invitation in there.

“Tell me to stop.”

His plea is only met with silence. That’s all it takes for Buck to take the biggest leap of faith of his life.

He takes another step and then, finally, he is kissing Eddie.

Eddie’s lips are soft and warm and everything Buck has dreamed of, and he loses himself in the feeling of it – it feels right, it’s the feeling of coming home after a hard day’s work, it’s the feeling of belonging at last.

Buck shifts his body closer to Eddie’s, the taste of Eddie’s motionless lips making his knees wobble and –

No.

Eddie’s lips are still.

Eddie isn’t kissing him back.

Buck feels a jolt pass through his body, electric and burning. He jumps away, his eyes wide as he stares at the still form of his best friend.

“God, Eds, I’m so sorry.”

No answer comes. Eddie hasn’t moved at all and Buck can’t breathe and this is all too much. That’s it, he has done it, he has fucked everything up. There is no coming back from this, he took a leap of faith and landed in the worst away, his whole body broken to pieces.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes out again, helpless and shaking. “Please say something.”

Eddie opens his mouth – no words come out of it, and he closes it again with a snap. Buck’s heart shatters. They stay where they are for the longest of time, the moment stretched forever, painful, lethal.

“I’ll – I’m going to take a walk.”

And then Buck turns around, running out of Eddie’s house.

Eddie does not call after him.

* * *

Fuck.

Fuck.

What a fucking idiot, he has destroyed everything.

He has ruined the best thing in his life with his inability to keep his feelings in touch. He should have been stronger, he should have kept it quiet. He has been keeping his feelings quiet for so long, why did he have to break now? Why did he have to ruin everything now?

God, the look on Eddie’s face – petrified, terrified almost.

They are never going to heal from this.

Buck has just lost everything.

Oh, Eddie will try at first, of course. He will say that it’s alright, that it doesn’t bother him, but he will look at Buck and remember the taste of his lips on his own, unmoving and unwilling, and he will start pulling away, more and more until one day, there will be nothing left of their friendship at all.

And it will be Buck’s fault.

Damn his heart. Damn his stupid heart for thinking Buck could be allowed to have his greatest desire.

That’s not how it is for him.

Buck is alone. Buck is always left behind.

Buck gets stalkers and tsunamis and pulmonary embolisms.

Buck doesn’t get happy endings.

* * *

He wants to call Maddie but he realizes that, in his precipitation to get away from Eddie, he has forgotten his phone.

He could drive to her place but it would be useless, he knows that she is working right now.

Where could he go?

Not the team – they are too close to Eddie and Buck does not want to put them in a position where they feel like they have to take a side.

Without even realizing it, he has driven back to his place.

Mr and Mrs Malinowski. He can go see them. They will welcome him with open arms, they always do.

“Hold the door, please.”

Buck barely reacts, just holds the door with barely a look at the guy he recognizes to be one of Mr and Mrs M’s old home health care aid.

If things were different, Buck would have tried talking to him a bit, it’s been a while since he last saw him, but his mind is storming with thoughts of Eddie, Eddie’s expression, Eddie’s silence.

Eddie. Just Eddie.

How could Buck have done that? Eddie has rejected him and now he knows about the truth about Buck’s feelings.

God, can he even salvage this? Maybe he can blame it on the stress, say it was just a moment of madness. Nothing has to change. It will be awkward but Buck can bury his feelings down again. He has been doing it for so long now, it’ll be fine.

He just has to show Eddie that they can still be friends.

Eddie won’t have to throw Buck out of his and Christopher’s life.

His frenetic knocking on his neighbors’ door is met with no answer before he suddenly realizes that they must be at the farmers’ market with Bianca as they are every week around this time.

Fuck.

Buck is in his apartment before he even knows what he’s doing.

He makes sure to lock the door before crumbling on the floor, not even managing to make it to his couch.

He does not cry but it’s close. There is so much that he is feeling that he could not name it if he tried. Why does he have to ruin everything?

Startling at the sound of his door being unlocked, Buck lets out a shaky breath.

Eddie has found him.

Of course, no matter what happens, he will still be worried over him, because that’s just how much of a good person he is. He won’t yell at him, he will be as gentle as he can be in letting him down and it will hurt even more that if Eddie hated him for it.

Buck gets up but he keeps his back to the door, unable to face his best friend’s betrayed look just yet.

“Evan.”

A shiver runs down Buck’s spine.

This isn’t Eddie.

He turns.

“Hello, my love.”

* * *

_**SEVEN MONTHS AND 21 DAYS EARLIER** _

“Hey, I’m Buck. Nice to meet you, man.”

The guy stares at his extended hand a second too long before taking it.

“Buck?” he echoes. “Never heard of a name like that.”

Buck laughs, “Well, my name is Evan but everyone calls me Buck.”

“I’m Thomas,” the guy says with a dazed look. “I’m Mr and Mrs Malinowski’s new home health care aid.”

“Yeah, Bianca told me about you.”

Buck looks down at his phone, he has to hurry if he wants to get to Bobby’s before all the best food is gone.

“Listen, I gotta go, but Bianca asked me to tell you that she’ll do her best to help you with everything but she’s got a lot on her plate, so if you have any questions, hit me up. I live in the apartment across from here.”

“Thank you. I will.”

“No problem,” Buck replies, grinning at the thought of Bobby’s cooking and a day spent with the whole team together for no other reason that they want to. “You’ll see, Mr and Mrs M are great. You’re gonna have a wonderful time here.”

Buck is gone before he hears Thomas’ answer.

“Goodbye, Evan.”

* * *

_**NOW** _

“It’s you.”

“Did you miss me, my beloved?” Thomas asks.

He has a crazed look to him, only accentuated by the gun that he is waving in Buck’s direction.

_If you come across your stalker, play along. Give him what he wants._

Detective Mullins’ words ring in his mind.

“So much,” Buck lies, forcing a smile he hopes will be enough to fool Thomas. “I’m so glad we’re finally together.”

Thomas gasps in joy. His index never leaves the trigger and he does not put the gun down. Buck tries not to stare at the barrel, instead smoothing his expression into one of fake happiness and love, fighting back the bile that rises up in his throat.

“Let’s go, Evan. I can’t wait to start anew with you.”

* * *

Thomas makes Buck drive his car.

There are too many people for Buck to try anything. He won’t risk hurting someone for his own safety.

He has to wait until they are alone.

So he keeps up the charade, even though it makes him sick.

He laughs along and smiles at Thomas – it’s all fake and Buck has never been a good liar, but Thomas is only seeing what he wants to see.

The house Thomas makes him park in front of is in a quiet neighborhood, but there are still people in the streets, people that could get shot if Buck jumps on Thomas now.

His entire body is tensed to its limits as they walk up to the front door.

Buck catches a woman’s gaze. She is pushing a stroller and laughing at her kid’s loud babbling. Buck looks away – it’s not worth trying to ask for help.

“Come inside, Evan. You will love it.”

He breathes in.

This is it.

His moment.

His opening.

The door closes behind them.

Buck flips around, ready to tackle his tormentor to the floor, but Thomas must have seen it coming because he hits Buck with the handle of his gun.

The last thing Buck hears before he loses consciousness is, “Everything will be alright, my Evan. Rest for now.”

* * *

Thomas caresses his beloved’s birthmark before pressing a kiss to his lips. Evan stirs but does not wake up.

They are together at long, long last.

Their new life can finally start.

They will be reborn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it.
> 
> The moment of truth.
> 
> Okay so, I have always known that Thomas was going to be the stalker. If you go back to chapter one, there is one throwaway line about Mr and Mrs Malinowski's home health care aid, and that's Thomas.
> 
> There has been so many great theories about who the stalker could be (some of them very wild!!) and I hope you won't be disappointed. If you're still reading my rambling, I just want to say that it was deliberate that the stalker is someone that was not very present until now, because he slipped through Buck's radar, but I will explore more of his psyche in future chapters.
> 
> You don't know how much anxiety this revelation is giving me, I hope that you will like it.
> 
> Tell me what you think? Are you still liking this story?
> 
> You can come yell at me on tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com) if you want!
> 
> See you next chapter hopefully, thank you for reading!


	7. Stillness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I screwed up, Bobby,” Eddie confesses when it’s just the two of them, the guilt threatening to overwhelm him. “This is all my fault.”
> 
> “None of this is your fault, Eddie.”
> 
> “But it is,” and he hates the way it’s almost shouted, anger and shame battling in his heart. “Buck left because of _me_ , I did nothing to hold him back. I knew he shouldn’t be alone and I just stood there as he left. He was alone just for one moment and now he’s gone, and it’s my fault.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> First of all, thank you _so much_ for your incredible kindness at the previous chapter. I was honestly so stressed out about the revelation and was scared that it would not measure up to the hype, but you have all been so kind. Thank you 💕💕
> 
> Also, I have been made aware that I should have put more warnings for the story as a whole and also for specific chapters. I want to apologize for that and if you have something you think should be tagged or warned about, just shoot me a message, here or on my tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter! It's a little different from the others because it's Eddie's point of view this time!

Eddie stares at the space Buck has just vacated.

The phantom feel of Buck’s lips on his own is burning him through his entire body, it’s leaving him breathless and rooted in place.

The front door bangs as it shuts behind Buck, and Eddie wants to rush after him but his body remains frozen in place.

Buck kissed him.

Buck _kissed_ him.

And Eddie did not kiss him back.

Why didn’t he kiss Buck back? Why didn’t he give into what he’d been dreaming of for so long? He has spent countless hours wondering about what kissing Buck would feel like.

Eddie realized he had fallen in love with his best friend not after another brush with death for either of them, not even after Buck risked everything to protect Christopher during the tsunami.

No, Eddie knew one morning at the firehouse. It was breakfast and Eddie had been late that day, he can’t remember why now. Buck had done nothing but keep a seat empty, next to him of course, and then passed him the coffee pot before Eddie could even ask.

It was something they had done a million times and, yet, in that moment, Eddie realized that Buck knew him better than anyone else on the planet, and he realized also that, somewhere along the line, he had fallen in love with him.

Since then, Eddie has been pining miserably.

There have been moments where he thought Buck might reciprocate his feelings but he never dared to hope.

And then Buck kissed him and Eddie froze.

He didn’t freeze because he didn’t want it – he did, so very badly.

He froze because he wanted it too much.

Eddie has come to rely on Buck for everything. Buck is too important and Eddie can’t risk pushing someone else away, especially not _Buck_.

Buck who is loving and kind and brave, who is loyal and smart and strong.

Shannon left, twice, because Eddie wasn’t enough.

What if he isn’t enough for Buck either?

He can’t ever risk losing Buck, and so he froze, a million thoughts going through his mind.

Now, he might lose him anyway.

The thought is what shakes him. Only seconds have passed since Buck left but when Eddie gets outside, it’s only to see his best friend’s Jeep take a turn and disappear from view.

“Fuck,” he shouts.

Running back inside, he rushes to get his phone – phone that he left on his nightstand. His gaze falls on the bed that they have been sharing just a few hours ago and he remembers waking up in the arms of the man that he loves, unable to resist the temptation of pressing the softest of kisses against his throat.

“Fuck,” Eddie repeats, lower.

He grabs his phone, almost drops it in his precipitation to unlock it. It’s easy to find Buck’s contact information, he is at the top of Eddie’s favorites.

He taps on the name.

Buck’s phone rings from the kitchen.

“Fuck!”

Buck left without his phone.

Alright, he tells himself, there is no need to panic just yet. It’s not because Buck is alone right now that his stalker will try to get to him.

Who is he trying to kid, of course there is need to panic.

Eddie gets dressed in a hurry – Buck left so urgently that he did not even get dressed himself, and instead rushed out the door in the shorts he slept in with and an old shirt he must have grabbed after waking up.

It only makes Eddie’s shame all the more overwhelming.

There is no time to wallow on it though, and so he runs to his car, only barely remembering to lock his door before he goes.

“Call Maddie,” he says and he has to repeat it twice before the bluetooth system picks up on his rushed words.

It rings for what feels like the longest time until she finally picks up.

“Hi, Edd – ”

“Maddie,” he cuts. “Buck’s gone.”

“What?” she exclaims, startled. “”What happened? Were you attacked? Oh my God, are you alright?”

Her concern only accentuates his guilt. He does not deserve it, her brother may be in danger because of him, might die because of him.

If anything happens to Buck, it will be Eddie’s fault and his alone.

“No, it’s not that,” he swallows down a swear word and instead honks at the car that just cut him off. “We had a fight. He took off and he didn’t take his phone with him, I tried going after him but he was already gone.”

She inhales sharply.

He is still going too fast through the streets of L.A., and it’s nothing short of a miracle that he hasn’t been stopped yet, but it’s still not fast enough.

“We all agreed that he should never be left alone,” Maddie accuses. “You insisted that he stayed with you. I thought that you of all people would – ”

“I know.” God, he knows. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I didn’t – I should have stopped him.”

She says nothing but he hears her trying to get her breathing under control, and he knows that she is crying. In the background, there are the unmistakable sounds of dispatch – Maddie should be saving lives, she should not be worrying about her brother, because Eddie should have protected him.

“Where do you think he’s gone?”

Eddie stops the car at yet another red light, and this time he does swear. He is losing precious time in the city’s maddening traffic.

“I’m going to his place,” he replies, breath short. “He wouldn’t have gone to someone on the team, I just know it.”

“I’m sending officers to his address. How far are you?”

“Five minutes. I’m going as fast as I can.”

The light turns green. If it were just for him, he would be barreling down the road but it seems like all of Los Angeles has decided on going as slow as possible today. Eddie presses the horn until the driver in front of him drops her phone and start up her car again, but not until she has taken her sweet time giving him the finger.

“Don’t get into a car accident,” Maddie says. She sounds tired, shaken too.

“I won’t,” he promises.

“Please, bring him back. I can’t lose him.”

She hangs up – her broken sob echoing in the car.

“Neither can I,” he whispers to no one.

* * *

Buck’s Jeep is parked on its spot when Eddie finally makes it to Buck’s apartment complex.

It takes him several more minutes to find a spot, he would have parked his truck right on the sidewalk but there is no room for it. He is forced to leave it one block away, and he runs the whole way down to Buck’s place.

His heart is in his throat as he types in the code and pushes the door open.

He does not even consider taking the elevator, there is no chance he could be able to stand still even for a minute or two.

Out of breath, and not because of the physical effort, he almost stumbles at the sight that awaits him.

Buck’s apartment door is ajar.

“No,” Eddie breathes out. “Please, no.”

There is no one inside.

The place has been left untouched. There are no indications of a struggle, no blood anywhere.

The only sign that Buck has been here is his discarded keys – Eddie would recognize them anywhere, Christopher gave Buck a Dory keychain after the tsunami and he has been proudly carrying it with him ever since.

“Buck,” Eddie yells out.

No one answers.

Buck isn’t here.

* * *

Eddie is sitting outside on the sidewalk when Bobby and Athena find him.

He’s been kicked out of Buck’s apartment by Detective Mullins. Police officers are dusting the place for fingerprints and interviewing the neighbors, hoping that someone saw what happened or, even better, would be able to give a description of Buck’s stalker.

He thought he had been losing Buck when Buck started to pull away, he thought that he had been too late and he had lost any chance he ever had of being with the one that he loves. He did not understand why Buck would lie to him about being in a relationship, he was confused and hurting and it had been easier to be angry than to face the ache he had been feeling.

But now faced with the terrible reality that he might just lose him forever, Eddie finds that he has never known terror like this.

He would take Buck meeting someone and getting in a relationship any day over this. Even Buck walking out of his life forever would be better than losing him like this.

“Eddie,” Bobby calls when she sees him, running to him, Athena by his side. “What happened?”

God, Eddie wants to disappear.

“Buck got taken. His stalker’s got him.”

Bobby goes white as a sheet, his chest heaving.

“How?” Athena asks, tense. “He was with you.”

He has to look away, he can’t bear their gaze. Tears are falling down his cheeks and he does not bother to wipe them away. Let them see, let them judge him for his unforgivable mistake. He deserves no comfort, no support.

“He left,” he chokes out. “We huh, we had a fight, and he left. I ran after him but by the time I got there, it was too late.”

Eddie continues staring at nothing, unseeing. His heart threaten to explode with how much self-hatred he is feeling. He wishes he could cut it out, stop this terrible emotion from suffocating him, so that he can focus on how to help Buck.

He knows though – there is nothing he can do to help Buck.

They don’t even know who Buck’s stalker is. They could be anywhere, they could be leaving Los Angeles right now.

Buck could already be dead.

“I’m gonna see if I can get some information,” Athena announces suddenly and Eddie finally snaps his gaze back on her.

Her jaw is clenched but her eyes are haunted. As a cop, she knows the danger of a stalker finally getting his hands on his prey after weeks and weeks of chase.

She squeezes her husband’s arm, a silent sign of support, and even pats Eddie on the shoulder. It’s so much more than he deserves but he feels himself melt at the small touch all the same.

“I screwed up, Bobby,” Eddie confesses when it’s just the two of them, the guilt threatening to overwhelm him. “This is all my fault.”

Eddie does not need a father figure, not in the way he suspects Buck desperately needs, but there’s something so comforting and simple in loving Bobby. Bobby is their rock, the one they all turn to when they need to alleviate their burden, even just for a moment.

“None of this is your fault, Eddie.”

“But it is,” and he hates the way it’s almost shouted, anger and shame battling in his heart. “Buck left because of _me_ , I did nothing to hold him back. I knew he shouldn’t be alone and I just stood there as he left. He was alone just for one moment and now he’s gone, and it’s my fault.”

Bobby shakes his head but Eddie can’t look at him.

“It’s not,” Bobby insists. “Buck’s stalker is insane, this isn’t on you. I don’t know what your fight was about but it’s not your fault Buck got taken.”

“That’s the thing though. We didn’t have a fight. Buck kissed me.”

Deep down, Eddie knows he is only saying this because he wants someone to get angry at him. He needs someone to validate his self-hatred so that he can spiral down all the more.

But Bobby does not yell at him, he does not push away or leave. He gives Eddie a surprised but kind look.

“Did you not want Buck to kiss you?” he asks.

Eddie scoffs, “That’s not that. I just, I panicked. I got scared that I was going to mess it all up and I froze, but I messed it up anyway before it could even start, and Buck might be dead by now.”

“Don’t say that,” his captain replies, pained. “Buck is a fighter and he’s smart. He knows he has to keep his stalker distracted until we can him him and we _will_.”

At the wretched look on Bobby’s face, Eddie has no doubt about the nature of his captain’s affection towards Buck – Eddie knows he would wear the exact same expression if something happened to Christopher.

Buck does not see it, but if he never came back, there would be so many lives changed forever.

* * *

Hours go by.

Eddie is losing his mind.

He can’t stop pacing, he can’t stop going through the morning over and over again, thinking about all the things that he could and should have done differently.

He would have kissed Buck back. He would have confessed his feelings and Buck would have never left and he would still be here, with him, safe and protected.

Once again, Eddie was not enough. He is never enough.

Buck is paying that price now.

Somehow, they are all back at his place, maybe in the foolish hope that Buck has just gone for a walk and that he will come back any minute.

Bobby and Athena are there, but so is Chim. He arrived as soon as he heard the news, frantic, hair in disarray and demanding answers they don’t have.

“Maddie can’t leave work, dispatch is already too short-staffed today,” he said. “She wants us to keep her in touch as soon as we hear everything though.”

But they have nothing to tell her, or Hen who keeps shooting them messages asking for updates, because they know nothing.

Athena learns by Detective Mullins that an APB has been issued and that police has been alerted to be on the lookout for Buck. So far, no one has seen him.

They have also looked at cameras around Buck’s building but his stalker, as he has since the beginning, must know where they are placed and how to avoid them because they have come up empty.

It’s like Buck vanished entirely – no trace left of him, nothing at all to point in his direction.

They still don’t know who his stalker is. They know nothing and they can do nothing to help, and Eddie is going crazy wallowing in his own guilt and demons.

He needs to be doing something. He just wants to be out there, driving around, searching for Buck, but he knows it would be useless. That did not prevent him from trying though, it was only Athena’s hand on his arm that stopped him.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Chim blurts out. “We have no idea how crazy Buck’s stalker actually is. It’s been too long already since he’s been taken. How long are we going to have to wait until we find him?”

“The whole LAFD is on the lookout for Buck,” Athena replies. Eddie knows she is itching to be out in the streets with her colleagues but her arm is still in her sling and she can’t even drive because of it.

“It’s not enough,” Chim replies hotly. “We don’t know what he’s doing to Buck right now.”

“I get it,” she says. “I love him too, but we can only wait.”

How many times has Eddie heard that today? They can only wait. They can’t do anything but sit back and wait – until someone sees Buck or until someone finds his lifeless corpse.

Or maybe they will never find him again.

A loud ringtone interrupts whatever Chim was about to reply with.

Bobby frowns down at his phone before answering.

“Nash,” he shoots, and then his eyes widen at whatever answer he gets. “Buck?”

Eddie snaps his full attention to his captain. Instantly, Athena turns to Eddie and Chim and puts her index on her mouth, signaling them to keep quiet.

Both men nod.

Bobby puts the phone on speaker, his hands shaking slightly.

“Hey, Cap’,” Buck says.

Anyone who did not know him as well as they do might not hear the fear in his voice and the way it trembles, but they do.

“Buck, are you okay? Where are you?”

“Ah, it’s all good. I’m with my beloved.”

Eddie’s blood turns to ice at that. He bites down on his tongue to refrain from speaking and possibly angering Buck’s stalker who must be listening in on the call.

“We’re good,” Buck continues, faux joyful. “We’re gonna go away for a bit, let things calm down. I don’t know when we’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?” Bobby asks – his entire body is stiffen, fists clenched.

“Thomas is gonna surprise me.”

Thomas.

Buck’s stalker’s name is Thomas.

“He wasn’t very happy with how much time I spent with Eddie,” Buck goes on and Eddie feels bile rise up in his throat. “But he’s forgiven me.”

“That’s,” Bobby swallows dryly. “That’s good. I’m glad. Can you just tell me where you are?”

They hear the sound of another voice – a man’s voice – saying something to Buck, low and urgent.

“I have have to go, Cap’.”

Athena gestures at Bobby to keep him talking. They need more time if they want any chance of tracing the call at all.

“Wait, Buckaroo.”

“I really have to go.”

If only Eddie could crawl into the phone and join Buck. He would protect him from that Thomas, he’d never let any harm happen to him ever again. He had meant what he’d told Buck, he would fight anyone who ever dared hurt him.

“You stay safe, okay?”

Bobby’s voice almost breaks. Eddie shares a broken look with Chim – they are powerless and they know it.

“Pops,” Buck’s own voice comes out small through the loudspeaker

It still makes Bobby flinch at the old nickname. Eddie has heard that Buck used to call Bobby Pops, long before he joined the 118, but he never heard it for himself.

“Yeah, kid?” Bobby asks, trying so hard to hold himself together.

“I – I love you.”

If Eddie’s heart wasn’t already in shambles, it would have broken all over again at the sight of his captain, lip trembling, hot tears running down his cheeks, a silent sob fighting to burst out of him.

“I love you too, Buckaroo.”

It sounds too much like a goodbye and Eddie can’t stand it. He wants to yell into the phone, to make his presence known to Buck, to tell him that he will do everything he can and beyond to bring him back. He wants to apologize too, to confess his feelings.

He holds all of it back.

“I’ll see you soon,” Bobby says, like a desperate promise he is making to himself and Buck both.

There’s a beat of silence and then, “Goodbye Bobby, give my love to everyone.”

And then the line goes dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! Now we know why Eddie didn't kiss him back... And yes, I did end the chapter like that sksks
> 
> What did you think of this chapter? Did you like Eddie's pov?
> 
> Next chapter will be back to Buck's pov, with a little surprise too.
> 
> Hope to see you back!
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone 💕


	8. New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your stalker is delusional. He believes you are destined to be together and he will stop at nothing to make that happen. If he gets to you, you need to make him trust you. He has to believe that you are on the same board.
> 
> If he thinks he is losing you, that’s when he could turn dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello angels!!
> 
> I'm so happy that you seem to have liked Eddie's POV, poor guy! He really needs some self-esteem too...
> 
> We're back to Buck's POV this time.
> 
> There are only two chapters left after this, I can't believe that we're getting so close to the end!  
> 
> 
> **Chapter warnings**
> 
> \- The first half of this chapter is from Thomas' POV which can be disturbing to some  
> \- Invasion of privacy, voyeurism  
> \- Non-consensual kissing  
> \- Swearing

Thomas Karavitis meets the love of his life on a Wednesday.

“Hey, I’m Buck. Nice to meet you, man.”

And as easy as breathing, Thomas falls in love.

In that single moment, all the stars and planets align, everything makes sense, everything is bright.

And as absolute as the certainty of the sun rising again in the morning, Thomas knows that _Buck_ feels it too.

They shake hands – both hold on, just a little bit longer than they should.

“Buck? Never heard of a name like that.”

Buck’s laughter is the most beautiful sound that he has ever heard – it’s bashful, playful, _flirty._

“Well, my name is Evan but everyone calls me Buck.”

_E_ _veryone but you now_ , is what he does not say but that’s what Thomas hears. That’s what he knows Evan meant. They are standing a dance, a courting, and Evan wants to lead. Thomas is happy to follow until the end of the world.

“I’m Thomas,” he replies, giving Evan his best bedroom eyes. “I’m Mr and Mrs Malinowski’s new home health care aid.”

“Yeah, Bianca told me about you.”

She did? He asked? Oh. Did he know, then, before they even met that they would connect in such a profound way? Could he feel it coming?

Evan looks down at his phone – is he thinking of giving him his number? Or looking up date ideas? Does he need to hear Thomas that anywhere they would go together would be perfect?

“Listen, I gotta go, but Bianca asked me to tell you that she’ll do her best to help you with everything but she’s got a lot on her plate, so if you have any questions, hit me up. I live in the apartment across from here.”

Oh, Thomas’ smile almost falls off his face but it stays on because he can see that Evan is as disappointed as he is – he too would want to stay with him and share endless hours just learning everything they can about one another.

“Thank you. I will.”

It’s a promise.

“No problem,” Evan tells him and he gives Thomas the loveliest smile, a smile that means _hope_ and _soon_ and _forever_. “You’ll see, Mr and Mrs M are great. You’re gonna have a wonderful time here.”

“Goodbye, Evan.”

They will find their way back to one another, Thomas is certain.

* * *

Evan has left a key of his apartment to the Malinowskis, but Thomas knows that it’s been left for him, so that he would find it.

His beloved is playing hard to get and Thomas loves the thrill of the chase.

The first time he goes into Evan’s apartment with the copy he’s made, Evan is at work.

Thomas walks into the place, feeling at home, and he takes his time observing everything – where the cutlery is kept to which kind of underwear Evan prefers. He notes his beloved’s brand of shampoo and what food he has in his fridge.

Then, what he is satisfied with his looking around, he goes to lay down on his lover’s bed, breathing in the smell of Evan that still clings to the sheets. It’s exquisite, maddening.

* * *

Days that soon turn into weeks pass and Thomas makes his plan.

He knows that Evan is waiting on him and that he trusts in their eternal love, but Thomas knows also that Evan is being distracted. He spends too much time with that awful colleague of his, that _Eddie_ , and Thomas hates it, hates _him_.

There is only solution to this.

They need to leave it all behind and start afresh somewhere new, just the two of them and then Evan will finally see that they are truly soulmates, that they belong together.

Until they can do that though, Thomas has to make sure that Evan does not become tempted to do something he’d regret. For that, Thomas installs cameras in his beloved’s apartment.

At first, it’s just one, in the kitchen – just to see him cook and work out and lounge in front of the TV, and when Evan dances around, Thomas knows that the show is just for him.

But then, he has to know more. The looks that Evan is giving him when they see each other at Mr and Mrs Malinowski’s or in the parking lot, these are looks of invitation. These looks are daring him to do more, to see more, and more Thomas can do.

The first time Thomas leaves a note, he waits until Evan is in the shower to get into his apartment and slip the folded piece of paper in his gym bag. The temptation to open the bathroom door and join his beloved is overwhelming but he resists it.

Not all is into place yet.

They can be patient. Their time will come and all the pain and restless anticipation will be worth it for their everlasting happiness.

* * *

Sneaking around the firehouse is a breeze when one is wearing a stolen LAFD uniform. Evan left it for him, this was his idea.

Thomas is in and out the station before anyone notices him.

* * *

Jealousy burns bright and hot.

Evan is spending too much time with Eddie. He is touching people too much, and though Thomas this is all to anger him, to get him to react, he can’t help the anger rising in him.

If Evan wants a reaction, he is going to get it.

* * *

His beloved is laughing, Thomas’ heart soars at the sight.

Time stills as Thomas walks so close to Evan that he can smell the perfume of his sweat and shampoo. He wants to reach, whirl him around and snap him away from everything so that they can start living their new life together.

They have to wait still.

He slips the note into Evan’s pocket.

“You’re gonna be okay, Ma’am,” Evan says to the lady with the broken hip.

Thomas knows that Evan is actually talking to him.

They are going to be okay.

He disappears back into the crowd, warning ensued and weight lifted off his shoulder. Evan will see the truth of their love.

* * *

Their anniversary comes and goes but Thomas can never catch his beloved alone.

Wherever Evan goes, there is always someone with him.

But it’s alright.

They will be reunited soon. Destiny can only be delayed, not thwarted.

* * *

He only wants to make sure that Evan isn’t being unfaithful. He needs to know.

Why is he at that damn Eddie’s house in the first place? What kind of game is he playing?

The window bangs behind him

“What was that?”

It’s Evan’s voice. Thomas stills.

Almost, he yells out, _It’s me, my love, I’m here at last!_

“You stay here. Stay with Christopher, I’ll go check.”

“No, I’m coming with you.”

_Leave him alone! He’s mine, mine, not yours!_

Almost, he runs out of Eddie’s room to fight him – kill him for daring to stand always too close to _his_ beloved. Evan is his, no one else’s.

But it’s not the time yet, and Evan has such a big heart that he would be sad to see someone die.

So Thomas hides under Eddie’s bed until the house is empty, and then he leaves again, the same way he came in.

He will have to make his move soon.

* * *

Evan runs out of Eddie’s house and suddenly Thomas knows, this is his moment.

He rushes after his beloved.

At last, their reunion.

* * *

* * *

Buck should have paid more attention.

He had always found Thomas to be a little overbearing and yet aloof at the same time – the man has always stood too close with a faraway glint in his eyes, but Buck always blamed it on the guy being awkward.

After all, who is he to judge? Buck himself ha issues with social cues sometimes and he needs people to tell him when he is being too loud or too excited.

“There you are,” Thomas says softly. “I’ve been waiting so long for this moment, my love.”

Seven months ago, Thomas quit his job as Mr and Mrs M’s home health care aid, out of the blue and without warning. Buck remembers having been confused but ultimately, there were more important things that needed his attention.

He would see him again sometimes, around the building but Buck had only been happy that Thomas had kept a relationship with his former employers – the Malinowskis give their love easily and Buck knew they had been hurt by their aid’s sudden resignation.

“We can finally be together, Evan. Nothing can stop us now.”

Buck has to resist the urge to fight against his bonds – it’s useless and it would only anger his abductor. He swallows down the need to rage on at Thomas, to yell at him all that he has been bottling up for a month now.

_Your stalker is delusional. He believes you are destined to be together and he will stop at nothing to make that happen. If he gets to you, you need to make him trust you. He has to believe that you are on the same board._

_If he thinks he is losing you, that’s when he could turn dangerous._

He plasters the best smile he can muster.

“I’ve never been happier,” Buck says. His voice almost cracks.

He has to focus, he has to dupe Thomas. He spares a thought at what makes him truly happy – his family, his friends. He lets that love he has for them, that joy at having them in his life, and he lets it warm him up, give him strength.

His smile turns sincere and he directs it at Thomas though it’s not for him and never will be.

“You tried running,” Thomas whines. He looks like a child on the verge of throwing a tantrum, it’s sickening and wrong.

“I’m sorry, but you know how impulsive I can get sometimes. I don’t always think things through.”

Thomas seems to pond at that. His grip stiffens on the gun, but Buck keeps his eyes on Thomas’ face. If the man decides that it’s not enough, that Buck has betrayed him, Buck will only watch, powerless, as Thomas raises the weapon and shoots him dead.

“I won’t try it again, I swear,” Buck presses on, desperate. He can’t die like this, not when Eddie is still mad at him and he hasn’t fixed what he broke between them, not when there is so much he still wants to do. “I know you are my future, I won’t run away from our destiny.”

“You feel it too?” Thomas asks, his face going slack with awe. “You’ll stay with me?”

“Forever, my beloved. We are soulmates, the two of us, nothing can get in our way, I know that.”

A startled laugh bubbles out of Thomas. Buck wants to throw up, his head is still aching, his whole body hurts from being restrained so tightly.

As soon as it started, Thomas’ laughter fades. It’s abrupt, his gaze is dark as it bores into Buck who can’t help but shiver under the weight of it.

“What about Eddie?”

Buck’s heart twists in pain at the thought of Eddie. Has he noticed by now that Buck has been taken? How long has it been? How long was Buck unconscious?

Oh, but Eddie is going to blame himself for it. If only for that, Buck needs to survive this and escape, so that he can tell Eddie that none of it is his fault. It’s Buck who ran away, it’s Buck who ruined their friendship with his unrequited feelings, it’s Buck who did not pay attention when he should have been.

“Eddie’s nothing,” it hurts to even say and Buck hopes that Thomas can’t tell how much pain he is in for that lie. “I wanted to make you jealous because I couldn’t wait for you to come find me.”

“But I found you, I will always find you.”

“Can you forgive me then?”

Establish trust. Buck can do that, and at the first opening, he will take his chance.

“Of course I forgive you, my love. I could never hate you.”

“What if you untied me? I could,” he swallows down the shame. “I could kiss you finally.”

Thomas hesitates. Buck hopes that this won’t be his tipping point, maybe he’s been too forward? The idea of kissing his stalker is repulsive but whatever it takes to get out of here and back where he belongs, with his family.

“You can trust me,” Buck forces himself to say. “I love you.”

He can see that Thomas is thinking it through, weighing up the possibility of untying him. It’s hard keeping the smile on his face, to keep still when all that Buck wants to do is scream and hit and run.

“I love you too, Evan.”

And then he is moving closer to him. Buck’s breath catches and he can feel his smile slip out. Thomas brings his head to Buck’s level, putting his forehead against his so that their eyes are aligned.

Buck’s eyes have always been his biggest give-away. He knows that people can read everything that he is feeling in them, and what he is feeling right now is fear and disgust and shame and anger.

“I love you,” Thomas repeats, softer.

He presses his lips to Buck’s and Buck does try to kiss him back, but he can’t – he just can’t.

Thomas moves away after a few seconds and Buck can’t help the sigh of relief. Thomas is wearing a dazed expression, tears of joy at the corner of his eyes.

“I have something for you,” Thomas whispers before he is running up the stairs.

Buck lets out the breath he has been holding. All that he wants to do right now is wash out his mouth of the taste of his stalker, throw up too maybe. There is no time for any of it. He tries again to free himself from his bounds but it’s useless despite him giving it his all.

Not even a minute later, he hears Thomas rushing down the stairs and Buck stills, smoothing his face back into an expression of perfect innocence.

“Let’s celebrate,” Thomas exclaims, holding two flutes full of champagne.

“You’ll have to untie me, please.”

“Oh! Of course! Where’s my head.”

Thomas puts the glasses down on the floor but he takes his gun out of his pocket. Buck has to hold a grunt back. He can’t take the risk of jumping on him right away, his limbs are going to be numb from being bound so long and so tight. He won’t have enough strength to fight off someone with a gun.

He has to keep the charade going still, and he hates it.

From another pocket, Thomas gets a butterfly knife.

Buck tenses.

“Don’t worry, my beloved,” Thomas murmurs. “I would never hurt you.”

The blade does not pierce his skin.

Free at last, Buck feels already more in control of the situation despite his whole body aching from staying in an uncomfortable position for so long. Blood is flowing back into his arms and legs and it’s burning almost.

“Shall we toast to our new life?” Thomas asks, handing him a flute of champagne.

Buck takes the glass. For a split second, he thinks about smashing it against Thomas’ head, but his hands are still numb and Thomas is still holding the gun, his finger hovering over the trigger.

“To our new life,” Buck says.

And he drinks.

He has never liked champagne, too bitter for his taste but he has no choice but to drink up. He can’t risk making Thomas angry, not when Thomas has the upper hand, and the gun.

Buck coughs as some of it goes down the wrong pipe.

“Be careful, my darling.”

Clearing his throat, Buck takes a second to try and think of a plan. He needs to keep up the act so that Thomas trusts him enough to maybe leave him alone for a few minutes. Then he can run.

Or he waits until Thomas as his back turned, and he jumps on him.

Whichever comes first.

“So, what’s the plan?” he asks, aiming for nonchalance.

“We’re leaving Los Angeles for a long time. We need to start somewhere else, somewhere no one knows us, and we’ll be free.”

Buck’s anxiety rises.

Fuck, Thomas really is insane.

“That’s great, but – could I call Bobby? Just to let him know?”

“No.”

Buck gulps at Thomas’ sudden angry tone. It’s nothing like the sweet and sickening tone he has mostly been using until now. It’s harsh and it’s cold and it’s threatening.

In that moment, Buck knows that the wrong move or the wrong word would push Thomas over the edge.

“He’s like my dad you know,” he says slowly. “So he’s like your father-in-law in a sense. Don’t you want a good relationship with your father-in-law?”

“My father-in-law?”

Thomas looks stunned at that.

“Yes,” Buck rushes to say. “I just want to tell him that we’re together and we’re happy. Just so he doesn’t worry.”

Thomas frowns and for the longest time, he says nothing at all.

“Alright.”

“Oh great,” Buck breathes out. “Thank you.”

The phone call is quick. All the while, Thomas keeps the gun pointed on him, a silent deterrent against trying anything.

Buck manages to slip Thomas’ name to his captain, and he has never been religious, but he prays that it will be enough.

“You stay safe, okay?”

Bobby sounds like he is crying.

This isn’t fair. He doesn’t want to die, killed by a crazy stalker obsessed wit him. He doesn’t want to be taken somewhere else far from his family.

Buck will do anything it takes to get free but he knows that he could die fighting his way out to freedom.

“Pops,” he says, trying to keep his voice even but failing.

The old nickname tells all that he can’t say. Bobby really has become a father figure to him, he wishes that he could thank him for everything that he has done for him.

All that he can say, and he hopes it’s enough, is, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Buckaroo.”

Thomas signals it’s time to cut the conversation short. Buck has never hated him as much as he does in that moment.

“I’ll see you soon.”

That’s all Buck wants.

There is so much he wants to say, but Thomas is reaching for the phone back and he knows he only has seconds left with one of the most important people in his life.

If it’s the last time he ever speaks to anyone on his family, then there is only one thing worth saying.

“Goodbye Bobby, give my love to everyone.”

Thomas hangs up.

Buck is shaking. He wants to weep but he can feel the barrel against his side as Thomas drapes an arm over his shoulders, before he presses a kiss to his temple.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

Right.

This isn’t over. He needs to keep his calm.

* * *

The house itself is barely any better than the rotting basement. It’s messy and dirty and badly-kept, but most disturbing of all, there are pictures of Buck absolutely everywhere.

Every surface is covered in pictures of Buck. Every where he looks, Buck sees his own face.

Thomas is insane.

It’s no surprise, but the realization still takes his breath away. Suddenly he realizes, there is no rationalizing with it. Thomas could flip out at any time, could kill him without warning if he decides that he is no longer happy with Buck’s behavior.

Twice Buck has seen Thomas' flippant anger. Twice he came too close to a bullet piercing his skin.

Outside, where freedom lies, the sun is high in the sky which means it’s been hours since Buck has been taken.

“Do you like it?”

Turning back to his abductor, Buck gives him a smile that is more grimace than anything else but Thomas, delusional, only sees what he wants to see. He smiles brightly in return.

“I love it.”

Buck keeps alert, waiting on any opportunity to either attack or escape but Thomas never lets him leave his sight and he never puts the gun down, even for the briefest of moments.

* * *

Hours go by, the sun sets and night falls, and still no one has come.

He is getting hopeless, desperate. Maybe just his stalker’s name wasn’t enough, maybe he should have risked giving more. He knows which part of L.A. they are in, maybe he should have blurted it out.

What if they never find him?

What if Thomas kills him?

Hours go by, and Buck is growing restless. His body aches from being tied up for so long, and he feels faint at not having eaten in hours, and his throat hurts from the champagne earlier.

If nothing changes before sunrise, he will take his chance – damn the risks, and damn the gun.

“Where are we going?” Buck asks for the umpteenth time.

Thomas is still refusing to tell him anything about his grand plan for their new life despite Buck’s best attempts at dragging the answer out of him. Instead, Thomas keeps going on about their new life and their forever happy ending, and their new fresh start.

It must be around midnight when they finally hear it.

Police sirens coming close.

“They’re here,” Thomas cries out, rushing up to the window.

The gun is shaking in his hand, sweat is dripping from his brow.

Buck feels light-headed at the news. Bobby got his message. His team found him. They are going to save him and he is going to fight his way back to them if he has to.

“Oh but don’t worry my beloved,” Thomas continues and he laughs maniacally. “We’ve been freed either way. There is nothing they can do about it now, rejoice with me! A new life is awaiting us.”

A cough tries to fight its way up Buck’s lungs but it gets stuck in his throat. He tries to clear it away but there is too little air going through.

Dizziness hits him.

His legs start shaking, unstable, and the only reason is does not fall down to the ground is by holding onto the wall next to him.

Thomas is dancing, waving the gun in the air as he watches Buck. He is triumphant despite the police sirens just outside.

Horror dawns on Buck as he realizes that the dizziness and the difficulty breathing are not in fact due to any relief he may be feeling.

“What have you done?” Buck struggles to say, his voice rasp and shallow.

“I’ve saved us, Evan,” Thomas exclaims. “We will be reborn and we will come back, far from California, far from it all, and then we will find each other again in our new life.”

No.

_No._

The champagne.

“LAPD,” they hear shouted from behind the front door. “You’re surrounded.”

Black dots dance in Buck’s vision, blinking does nothing to make them disappear.

“I gotta go,” he mutters.

He tries to take a step but his legs give up. He falls face first.

“You’re not going anywhere. This is our liberation.”

“Fuck you,” Buck spits as he stands up, his entire body shaking. “You’re a piece of shit.”

He is tired of playing this sick game. He feels himself weakening but he pushes through, he has to go. He has no idea what Thomas might have slipped into the champagne, he needs help now, he needs to go to the hospital.

“No! We’re soulmates! You love me!”

“LAPD, come out now,” someone shouts outside.

“I never loved you, asshole.”

Thomas’ eye widen, filled with tears, and then he is pointing the gun right at Buck’s chest.

This time, Buck is ready to react.

He gathers all his strength – and lunges.

Buck may be drugged or poisoned, he might be about to drop dead any second, but he is still bigger and stronger than Thomas.

“You love me” Thomas yells, desperation clinging to his voice.

Breathing is hard, Buck’s movements are sluggish but he keeps on going. He refuses to give up. He manages a punch to Thomas’ jaw who stumbles back, and Buck charges again, brute force, reaching for the gun, both tugging at it.

The gun goes off.

Everything stops.

Wide-eyed, Buck watches as Thomas puts his hand to his side. Blood is already spilling.

“My beloved,” Thomas breathes out, aghast.

Then he crumbles on himself.

A SWAT team chooses this moment to burst into the house, breaking the door down.

Relief floods through Buck as officers swarm in the place. He stands upright, exhausted, as chaos unfolds before him. This is it, he is free, even if it might already be too late for him. At least he won't die alone with the person who made his life a living hell.

“You’re alright, sir? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Buck can’t answer.

He feels faint.

“Buck!”

Distantly, he recognizes Athena’s voice and he wants to call out to her but he can’t. He’s too tired and his breathing is too shallow to allow him to speak.

He collapses.

He can feel hands on him, someone is checking his pulse and he wants to slap the hand away but there is no energy left in his body.

“Open your eyes, Buck, come on.”

His eyes flutter open, slow, sluggish. Bobby is here. Why is Bobby here? Is he dreaming?

“Buckaroo, keep your eyes on me,” Bobby is begging and oh, he is crying. Buck does not like it, Bobby deserves happiness and laughter, not tears and terror. “You have to hang on, kid. Come on, fight for me.”

Buck reaches to Bobby, gripping on his captain’s shirt to pull himself up with the last of his strength. He crashes against Bobby’s chest, his hand still clinging to the fabric of the shirt.

“Cap’,” he breathes out.

“Don’t try to talk. It’s okay, you’re going to be okay, you hear me?”

“Cap’,” he repeats, more desperate. “I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die.”

Bobby has one arm around Buck, with the other he holds Buck’s hand and squeezes so hard it’s painful. One of them is shaking, or maybe they both are.

“You’re not dying, Buckaroo,” Chim says decisively. Buck blinks up at him, confused. “What did he give you?”

“What?” he asks, confused.

There is too much happening around him.

Another coughing fit hits him, more painful that the others. Every short breath he manages to take burn his insides. Everything hurts – his head, his lungs, his skin.

“Buck, what did he give you?”

Eddie.

“I’m so sorry,” Buck rasps out. “Please, forgive m – ”

He’s coughing too hard to finish his sentence. Bobby’s hold on him tightens, but Buck can’t feel anything anymore, not even the pain. He is flying away from his own body, he is going.

He is gone.

“The ambulance is here, Buck, hold on.”

Buck goes still, his eyes roll backwards.

And then he is lost to the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm never going to write an action scene ever again, this was the _worst_. Honestly, I'm so unsatisfied with this chapter... I'm really sorry if it sucked, I've been tired these days.
> 
> I still hope that you enjoyed it.
> 
> Please leave a comment to tell me what you thought? They are what keeps me going 💕
> 
> See you for chapter 9 hopefully!!


	9. Liminal Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A liminal space is the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’ It is a place of transition, a season of waiting, and not knowing. Liminal space is where all transformation takes place, if we learn to wait and let it form us.”
> 
> _Cambrige Art Association_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!!
> 
> Thank you so so much for your support last chapter. I was really feeling down about my writing but you've all be nothing but kind, and I appreciate it greatly 💕
> 
> Also, yes! You're reading it right! This fic will now be 11 chapters, not 10. Oopsie!
> 
> **Chapter warnings**
> 
> \- Mentions of past invasion of privacy and voyeurism  
> \- Mentions of attempted murder  
> \- Mentions of murder of an unamed OC

> “A liminal space is the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’ It is a place of transition, a season of waiting, and not knowing. Liminal space is where all transformation takes place, if we learn to wait and let it form us.”
> 
>   
>  _Cambrige Art Association_

* * *

Maddie’s belly is showing.

She is wearing a yellow summer dress and has put up flowers atop her head, crowning her hair. She is twirling to music he can’t hear. All around them are tables filled with cupcakes and confetti and gift bags.

Buck smiles widely as she takes note of him and dashes up to him, dragging him down into a hug.

“Hey Evan,” she greets warmly. “How are you feeling? It’s been too long.”

Has it been that long?

“Weird. I don’t know.”

And the thing is, he truly couldn’t tell how he is feeling. A heavy weight is sitting in his chest, he wants to cough it out but it’s like no air is going through him at all.

“It’s because of Eddie, isn’t it?”

“Eddie?” Buck frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Please.” She waves a hand, unimpressed. “It’s been a month since he went back to live in Texas with Christopher, don’t pretend like this isn’t hard on you.”

Dread fills Buck. No. This cannot be right.

“But you know it’s your fault, right?” Maddie continues, clicking her tongue. “If only you had kept your mouth shut. How could you ever think that Eddie would ever love you back? You don’t deserve to be loved like that.”

Buck lets out a shuddering breath, tears already rolling down his cheeks. Maddie’s eyes are hard as they bore onto Buck’s soul, there is no trace left of a smile on her lips.

The garden is empty now. The tables are left but there is nothing left on them, as if there never was.

Even the sun seems to have dimmed. Buck can see no clouds in the sky but all warmth is gone, all light too.

“What – why are you saying all this, Mads?” he utters brokenly. “I don’t understand.”

“Everything is your fault, Buck. It’s always your fault. You’re never enough and you never will be, don’t you get that? I’m tired of cleaning up your messes.”

She steps in, right in his face, and he wants to crawl back into his own skin to avoid the harsh gaze that she is giving him. Never in his life has he ever seen his sister like this. She does not even look like Maddie anymore.

“Wake up, Buck.”

“What?”

He blinks, confused and lost.

“Wake up.”

She is gone – disappeared. The garden is quiet. Buck does not remember how he got here or why he is here even.

He can’t remember anything at all.

* * *

The firehouse is empty. There is not a truck, not a soul in sight.

Buck has never seen it empty like this.

A fire station is always bursting with sounds and people, even in the calmest of moments they can afford. Even when the crew is asleep, there are noises, someone is always doing something.

“Is anyone here?” he calls.

Where has everyone gone? What is happening?

“Everyone left.”

Buck snaps his gaze upward.

It’s Bobby. He is standing in the loft, looking down on Buck. He is wearing a black suit with a black shirt and a black tie.

“Everyone always leaves you, Buck,” his captain continues, emotionless. “You know that.”

“That’s not true,” he protests but his heart isn’t in it.

Deep down, he knows it is.

Buck takes a shaky breath and he is in the loft with Bobby. Everything is confusing, the whole world seems covered with a sheet of heavy fog.

“Bobby, I’m scared.”

“I know you are, kid,” and suddenly he sounds more like himself – kind, fatherly.

“I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“It’s alright. There’s only one thing you can do now.”

Bobby puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder, the weight of it anchoring. His eyes are empty, absolutely no emotions in them at all despite the gentle tone of his words.

Something is wrong, but Buck can’t focus enough to understand what is. His body is far from him, untethered and cold.

“What is it?” Buck presses – there isn’t anything he won’t do for any of them.

“Wake up.”

It’s not the first time someone told him to wake up, but he can’t remember who said it before. Wake up. Why should he wake up? Isn’t he awake already?

“I am awake,” he whispers but he sounds unsure even to himself.

“Wake up, Buckaroo. Don’t make me lose you.”

“You’re not losing me, Bobby,” Buck promises. “I’m here, I’m awake.”

“Wake up.”

Buck turns around. It sounded like Athena but the firehouse is as empty as it was when he first got here. How did he get here? What is he doing here? What’s happening to him? Why is everything so jumbled?

“Where – ” Buck starts, turning back to his captain.

But Bobby is gone.

Buck is alone again.

* * *

It’s snowing.

Winter in Pennsylvania has always been his favorite season. Growing up, he would spend hours running around, building snowmen and having snow fights with the neighborhood kids.

It’s one of the only thing he misses from Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania hasn’t been home in a very long time. Maybe it never was.

Maddie _was_ home. She still is.

And now, his team has become his home too. They have become his family.

But he’s alone right now.

He always feels alone.

“Hello, sweetheart.”

Wearing her favorite dress, a midnight blue dress, velvet and soft and floor-length, stands the woman who raised him.

“Grandma,” he cries out, running up to her.

Sheila Flanagan looks exactly as she did before falling to the sickness that took her away from the world. Her blue eyes, the same as Buck’s, sparkle with mirth. Absently, he notices that her finger is adorned with her wedding ring, the one he gave to Chim for him to propose to Maddie with.

“I missed you so much,” he confesses, breathless and shaking. “There’s so much that I want to say to you.”

“I know, love, I know it all,” she replies with just a hint of her native Irish accent, one she never cared to get rid of. “I’ve kept up with you and your sister.”

Snow is falling around them but he can’t feel the cold. He can’t feel anything anymore. The thought does not scare him – maybe it’s time for him to let go, succumb to the darkness and stay in it. Here, he isn’t alone. He isn’t hurting.

“It broke my heart to see you in so much pain,” she continues, putting her hand on his cheek, her thumb caressing his birthmark.

“I’m not in pain anymore.”

“You have to go back. You have to wake up.”

He shakes his head, tears rolling down his cheeks, “No, I want to stay with you. Everything hurts, and out there, I’m alone. I don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

“You’re not alone, love. You’ve got a family, and they need you as much as you need them. Maddie needs you, and her child is going to need their uncle.”

“I can’t,” he says brokenly. “I fucked up, grandma. I really, really fucked up. I think I’m going to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

As she always did while she was alive, his grandmother sees right through him.

“Eddie won’t leave you,” she says, sounding oh so sure of herself. “You know that in your heart of hearts, don’t you?”

He thinks he does. Whatever happens, Eddie is his best friend, but it’s so easy to fall pray to his doubts and insecurities – they have been loyal friends to him ever since he was a kid, trying to make his parents pay attention to him, to love him. They never did.

“I am so so proud of you and the man that you have become.”

Buck sobs, just once.

“You have to let people in. You give too much away and never ask for anything in return, but you don’t see that the people that you love want to give you just as much.”

“I miss you, grandma. I love you so much.”

“And I love you too.” She presses a loving kiss to his forehead, “It’s time to wake up.”

And he does.

* * *

* * *

He wakes up.

The first thing he takes notice of is the smell. He does not have to open his eyes to know that he is in the hospital, the smell, harsh and clean, gives it away.

His whole body is aching, but it’s his throat and his lungs that hurt the most. He feels like he has swallowed down lava or stood in a fire for too long without a mask.

“Buck?”

This time, he does open his eyes. His gaze falls on Hen – she breaks into a wild smile when she sees that he is awake.

“There you are,” she says, gentle. “You took your sweet time.”

“What happened?” he asks, slurring most of it.

Hen stands up, reaching for the glass of water that’s sitting on his bedside table. Carefully, she makes him drink a few sips that do wonder to ease the painful feel of his throat.

“What happened?” he repeats, stronger.

“You don’t remember?”

He frowns. His brain feels mushy and slow, his body aches. What does he remember? Fear – that’s what he remembers the most, a terrible crushing feeling of fear.

Then it all comes back to him, disconnected bits and pieces but enough to pierce most of the story together.

“Thomas,” he breathes out. “The champagne. Bobby was there?”

“Yeah. Thomas poisoned you with hemlock but we got you in time before your organs started shutting down. In fact, you owe your life to Athena, she’s the one who found the hemlock, and so we knew what to treat you for right away.”

Athena – yes, he remembers hearing her voice after he got out the house. He had gotten away from Thomas, they had fought.

“I shot him,” Buck remembers suddenly, horror falling on him like a cold heavy weight. “Is he – ?”

“He’s alive. He’s in a medically-induced coma but he’s alive, and he’s gonna make a full recovery before going to jail forever.”

He lets out a long breath.

“I don’t know about forever,” he can’t help but mutter.

“Athena will be able to tell you more than I can, but I know they’re going to charge him with first-degree attempted murder. He’s facing life in prison, Buck. You don’t have to worry about him.”

He wishes that it could be true.

Buck thinks he will never be able to live as he did before. He will always have to look behind his back for anyone following him, he will always check for cameras. Hell, he is already planning on investing in the best security system he can afford.

He is glad though that Thomas isn’t dead. He does not think he’d be able to live with the guilt.

But that means that his tormentor will be alive, obsessing over him. He will be in prison but Buck won’t be free either.

“How long was I out?” he asks to change the subject.

He is already starting to nod off again, his body still weak from the poison.

“Two days.” She takes a small pause and when she speaks again, her voice is heavy. “You really had us worried there for a while, Buckaroo. It didn’t look good.”

He forces himself to open his eyes, not having noticed that he closed them in the first place. Tiredly, he reaches for her, his hand falling on her forearm, and he squeezes, barely but enough to be felt.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” she says firmly. “This isn’t your fault. And now you’re back with us, that’s all that matters. Soon you’ll be out of here and back to work and I will make you pay for giving me my first gray hairs.”

He snickers but it turns into a cough. In an instant, she is at his side, helping him up so he can breathe better.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” he breathes out.

She passes a hand through his hair, the cool sensation does wonder against his heated skin and he finds himself leaning into the touch. Hen, in precious moments such as this one, can be very maternal and though, if anything, he sees her more as another big sister than anything, he can never refuse such open affection.

He sinks back into the bed, mellow, and he smiles up at her, a soft smile.

“We’ve all been taking turns to keep you company. I heard Chim has been explaining the plots of his favorite movies so that you can finally get his references.”

“I don’t remember anything about that.”

“Yeah. Well, it was worth a try, wasn’t it?” She grins before looking down at her phone. “Bobby should be here in about an hour but he’ll probably come right away after I call him to tell him you woke up.”

Another memory rises in Buck’s mind – enough to shake him out of his torpor.

Oh no.

“I called him Pops.”

“I know,” she says pointedly. “Chim told me.”

“Is Bobby mad?”

Hen lets out a sigh – not annoyed, not tired, but sad.

“Why would he be, Buck?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I got into troubles again. He got worried because of me.”

“Again, not because of you. And yes, you’re right, he _was_ worried, but only because he loves you and wants you safe. Now get back to sleep, I have lots of people to call to tell them the news.”

“Don’t leave me, please. I don’t wanna be alone.”

He hates how small his voice sounds, but he can’t help it. She squeezes his hand to reassure him of her presence, solid and firm.

“I’m not going anywhere, Buckaroo.”

He falls asleep to her voice calling their family.

He isn’t alone anymore.

* * *

When he wakes up again, it’s to the sight of Maddie and Chimney talking their heads close together, holding hands and whispering.

“Please don’t make out in front of me,” Buck jokes weakly.

He almost laughs at the way they snap their gaze on him, their eyes widening in surprise at seeing him awake and talking.

“Buck!” Maddie exclaims and she tears up instantly.

“Hey sis,” he greets with a small smile. “You’re alright?”

“Am I alright?” she repeats. “ _Am I alright_?”

“Buck, in case hemlock melted your brain, I’d like to point out that you are in fact the one in the hospital bed.”

“I was so scared,” Maddie says, her voice wavering with grief and anger both, not paying attention to her fiancé’s attempt at a joke. “Why the hell did you go on your own? You didn’t even have your phone.”

Chim makes a grimace and stands up. “I think that’s my cue to go, leave you two alone to have your sibling moment.”

He gives a soft kiss to Maddie’s temple, before going to leave the room. Though he stops and turns to Buck again, his shoulders are tensed, there are dark circles under his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

“I told you not to get murdered.”

“I didn’t,” Buck protests.

“You came too close,” Chim says, low.

And with that, he is gone.

Maddie moves to sit on his bed, her hands reaching to grab his. They stay silent for a long time, both taking strength into the other.

“Are you alright?” Buck asks again because it’s the only thing that matters to him. “The baby?”

“The baby is good. I’m good, don’t worry.”

He exhales a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He could not with himself if Maddie lost the baby because of the stress he caused by getting abducted by a crazy stalker.

“How are you?” she asks.

He almost answers with, _I’m alright, I’m good_ , but he is hit by a sudden thought.

_You have to let people in. You give too much away and never ask for anything in return, but you don’t see that the people that you love want to give you just as much._

Where did this come from? Images of snow and tall trees dance at the forefront of his mind but that can’t be right. He hasn’t been to Pennsylvania in years.

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. “I don’t think I’m processing it yet.”

“That’s alright, there is no rush.”

He gazes down. She is wearing their grandmother’s ring.

“He tried to kill me, Mads,” he whispers. “I really thought I was going to die.”

She tightens her hold on him.

“I’m sorry you went through this, but you made it out. You’re safe now.”

He nods because he knows he couldn’t talk right now if he tried. Tears spill from his eyes, he does not try to hold them back. Maddie brings him close, draping her arms around him and he buries his face against her, the same way he used to do when he was a kid and he wanted to feel protected.

* * *

Chim and Maddie leave after a couple of hours, but Buck isn’t left by himself for very long.

He barely has time to take in the empty feeling of his room before the door bursts open and here come Bobby, wide-eyed and breathing hard.

“Buck.”

“Bobby,” Buck says but he can’t say anything else because Bobby is crashing into him, dragging him into a solid hug.

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Bobby whispers brokenly. “I thought you were dead. I thought you died in my arms. I – ”

“I’m alright, Cap’, I’m here, I’m good. I’m alive, it’s okay.”

It takes the longest time before either men even think about breaking their embrace. When they do at last, both have to wipe at their eyes though they do not mention it.

Looking up, Buck notices Athena standing a few feet from them. She is wearing a gentle smile and her expression softens even more when their gaze meets.

“Hey, Buckaroo.” She closes the space between them, standing close to her husband but her hand grabs Buck’s own. “I’m glad to see you awake.”

“I’m glad to be awake,” he replies. “Can’t wait to get out of here, I really can’t stand hospitals.”

She laughs, “With how much time you’ve been spending in them, I can get that.”

His smile slips out. There are so many questions he wants to be asking, but he isn’t sure if that’s the right moment to be asking them.

“You’re alright?” she asks, seeing right through him as she always does.

“Why did he – do we know why he did all this? Thomas, I mean?”

Athena exchanges a look with Bobby before returning her attention on Buck.

“We found some sort of manifesto,” she says softly. “Thomas’ parents’ wedding anniversary fell on the day of his first note’s one-month anniversary. His father killed his mother in front of him, and from what we can gather, killing you both on his parents’ anniversary would have been a way to continue that tradition. He wanted to emulate their story.”

“Oh.” He gulps. “That’s fucked-up.”

“It is,” Athena confirms. “He’s delusional. He thought that you would find each other in a new life and that, to accomplish that, he had to kill you both. He sees himself as the hero of your love story, he really did think that he was saving you by poisoning you. I think, not being able to do it on the anniversary itself sent him spiraling further down.”

“Why didn’t he attack then? Why didn’t he try to take me on the day of?”

“Ultimately, Thomas is a coward. He wanted to kill you with poison, he went into your home when you weren’t there or sleeping because he couldn’t face you. He didn’t have it in him to risk a fight.”

“You’re safe now,” Bobby says, an echo of Maddie’s earlier words. “We got you.”

Buck smiles again, small and tired but a smile nonetheless. He will never be able to understand what was going through Thomas’ mind when he was stalking him and planning on their murder-suicide and maybe no one truly ever will.

Thomas isn’t sane. He isn’t thinking like the rest of them.

Now, Buck is angry and tired and scared still, but he also knows that he can count of the support of his family. Now, he can’t, and maybe he never will, but one day, hopefully, Buck will be able to let go of that trauma.

* * *

He tries not to think of Eddie, but he is all Buck thinks about.

It’s been two days since Buck woke up in the hospital and he hasn’t gotten any news from his best friend.

Not a text, not a visit either.

Buck has gotten news from Maddie and Hen both that Eddie barely left his side while he was unconscious and that he had to be all but dragged out of the hospital to get some rest and a change of clothes.

It’s hard to believe when Buck has heard nothing from him at all.

He is about to be discharged from the hospital and he is terrified – terrified because he is going to have to go back to his empty apartment with the sick knowledge that Thomas put cameras in there to watch him in his most private moments.

Terrified too because he may have already lost the best friendship he’s ever had and he has no idea how to salvage it.

The door opens, and Buck turns around to greet Karen, knowing she agreed to pick him up while most of the team is working.

It’s not Karen though.

“Hi, Buck,” Eddie says, expression unreadable.

“Eddie,” Buck breathes out, all his words getting stuck in his throat. “You, huh – Karen?”

“I’m picking you up, I told her.”

“Oh.”

Eddie bites his lips, Buck does his best to avoid staring at the movement. He isn’t sure if he is all that successful.

“I think it’s time we talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! Finally, the comfort after the hurt.
> 
> (Side note, I don't know much about poison and took some liberty with it. I'm pretty sure hemlock does not make you cough but it was for the #drama)
> 
> Well, there's still Eddie to deal with so maybe some hurt left...
> 
> Thank you for reading!! Don't forget to leave a comment to tell me what you thought of this chapter!
> 
> See you soon hopefully!!


	10. Everything And Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck isn’t sure what to do. Should he keep waiting on Eddie to talk or should he just blurt out his apology, rip the bandage off and hope for the best?
> 
> Unsure, weary, Buck can only stand awkwardly, hover at the entrance of Eddie’s hallway.
> 
> _This is Eddie’s house. I’m not really a guest._
> 
> That was long ago.
> 
> Buck may no longer be a guest in Eddie’s house but now it might just mean that he is not welcome anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy you all!!
> 
> I don't have a lot to say but thank you for your continuing support, it really does mean the world to me. 💕
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song _Beyond_ by Leon Bridges which is a very lovely song I highly recommend giving a listen to.
> 
> And now, Buddie Time!!

The drive to Eddie’s house is the most awkward and tense thirty minutes of Buck’s life.

Ever since he dropped the bomb the two of them needed to talk, he has done nothing but keep silent and, truth be told, Buck is growing tired of it.

He hates being ignored. For as long as he can remember, Buck has craved attention – perhaps because his parents didn’t pay that much attention to him or because he needs to feel important, but the result is the same either way. He needs to be watched if he can’t be seen, if he can’t be needed or loved.

Eddie is angry at Buck, and Buck gets that. Only, he would have hoped that Eddie could have at least been able to push his anger asides for the sake of making sure his best friend was doing alright after being almost murdered by a deranged stalker.

Buck will do everything to salvage whatever is left of their friendship, but he can also admit that he is hurt. He thought that he meant more to Eddie, that their friendship was as important to him as it is to Buck.

Clearly he was wrong.

Now, Buck just wants to get this over with. Let them fight and argue, let Eddie tell him that he can never return Buck’s feelings, let Buck promise that he will never again dare to kiss Eddie, and let Buck bury his unrequited love deep down into a box, seal it and never open it again even when it threatens to burst with how much it contains.

But to do that, Eddie needs to acknowledge him first.

Patience has never been Buck’s forte and he can feel himself ready to crack at any moment.

Eddie’s house is still the same as the last time Buck was there. There is no reason for it to have changed, it’s not like Eddie would have decided on redecorating while Buck was either held against his will or dying in the hospital but Buck notices it all the same.

It was just a week ago that Buck ruined his friendship with Eddie and ran out his house only to be abducted by the man who had been stalking him for months.

Buck isn’t sure what to do. Should he keep waiting on Eddie to talk or should he just blurt out his apology, rip the bandage off and hope for the best?

Unsure, weary, Buck can only stand awkwardly, hover at the entrance of Eddie’s hallway.

 _This is Eddie’s_ _house_ _. I’m not really a guest._

That was long ago.

Buck may no longer be a guest in Eddie’s house but now it might just mean that he is not welcome anymore.

Eddie is standing a few feet away from him, he does not have his back turned to him but his body language is screaming discomfort and the itch to run away – his head is bowed and he won’t look at Buck, he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists.

What can Buck say that will save this if Eddie can’t even look at him?

“I’m sorry.”

Buck almost jumps at that.

Of all things Eddie could have opened with, this was the last thing Buck could have been expecting.

“What? Why?” Buck asks, startled. “ _I_ should be the one apologizing right now.”

“You left and you got taken because of me. It’s my fault.”

Of course. Eddie would feel guilty about that.

For one wild brief instant, Buck had hoped Eddie was apologizing for not kissing him back.

How stupid.

“Eddie, it wasn’t your fault,” Buck sighs, already tired by the conversation although he has been wanting for it to start. “I left, I forgot my phone. This is all on me.”

Eddie shakes his head. His face is pinched, his lips pressed thin.

“I should have stopped you,” he says, voice low and ashamed. “I know how dangerous it was for you to be on your own.”

“So did I and I still left.” Buck passes a hand on his face and laughs bitterly. “I shouldn’t have gone back to my place, I was so fucking stupid.”

“Don’t say that,” Eddie snaps. “You’re not stupid.”

Buck scoffs, “But I was. I made it so easy for Thomas to get me. He had a hundred chances to kill me and it would have been my fault. Because I was dumb. And then after, when we were at his house, I should have fought harder, I shouldn’t have waited for so long.”

Why did he have to go back to his own place? If he really had to run away – and he had, in a way, Eddie’s silence had been too much to bear – he should have gone to someone on the team, or even go somewhere with people around so that Thomas would not have attempted anything.

“He had a gun,” Eddie shoots – sharp. “You did the right thing. You know we were coming to get you, he could have shot you if you tried anything. You played it smart, you did as Mullins said and you earned his trust and you saved your life.”

“And I still almost died!” He can still taste the taste of the champagne going down his throat, the feel of his burning lungs, the desperate sounds of Bobby’s voice begging him to stay alive. “I didn’t even question the champagne, I was just trying to play along to Thomas’ delusions. I should have spit it out when he wasn’t looking.”

Eddie takes a half-step towards Buck but he stills and stands, awkward, as he watches Buck, gaze heavy and intense.

“It doesn’t matter what you could have done differently. You’re here now. You are still alive, he didn’t win. You did.”

“I don’t feel like I won anything.”

 _Quite the contrary,_ Buck almost says.

Silence settles around them, uncomfortable, not anything like all those moments of silence they shared in which, without even looking at each other, they still knew exactly what the other needed. This silence is suffocating – Buck has never felt this out of sync with Eddie, even at the worst of the lawsuit debacle.

Buck has to look away, he does not understand the look on Eddie’s face right now and he is terrified of what it might mean.

One breath in, one breath out.

Getting his heart broken by Eddie will hurt, more than anything ever in his life. Buck would take the firetruck bombing any day over this but he has no choice in the matter. He can’t make Eddie love him like he yearns to be loved.

All that he can do is power through this, hold his mask intact as Eddie lets him down. He won’t let him see how beaten that makes him, he refuses to put that guilt on his best friend.

If they can go through this with their friendship intact, it will be more than enough. That’s all Buck can hope for now. He needs Eddie in his life, he needs Christopher too.

One breath in, one breath out.

Time to face the music.

“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck starts, his voice much lower than he intended. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Eddie says and it looks like it hurts to even say.

Buck fights to hold back his tears but he knows that his eyes must be shining anyway. Damn them, they have always betrayed him. Damn his heart, too, for being so foolish.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Buck protests. “I don’t wanna lose you. Our friendship means too much to me. Christopher means too much to me.”

He has to bite his lips lest a sob burst out of him. This is humiliating enough as it is without him breaking down. God, he is more scared right now than he ever was with Thomas, held at gunpoint, even when he was coughing his lungs down, his sight darkening.

“It’s okay that you don’t want me like that,” Buck continues when he finds his voice back. “I don’t expect anything from you, I won’t ask anything of you. I just hope that we can get past this, that we can forget it.”

“I can’t forget it.”

Buck’s already bruised heart shatters at that. This is his worst fear and it’s happening. Eddie can’t move from that, from the knowledge that his best friend has been lusting after him, has been harboring feelings for him.

“I won’t try again,” he says brokenly. “I swear.”

“It’s not – ” Eddie grunts, frustrated. He has never founds his words easily, and so Buck lets him gather his thoughts, even if the wait is killing him more than any hemlock ever could. “I don’t want you to apologize for kissing me. I want to know why you did.”

Oh, please no, Buck thinks desperately. He can’t voice his love for Eddie when it’s so obviously unwanted. He has always meant to keep this quiet forever. It might be easier to put the kiss in the past if Eddie does not know about the depth of Buck’s feelings.

He can still do that.

He can lie and says it was just one single moment, a mistake that did not mean anything.

But –

It might be his only chance at ever saying it out loud.

Eddie won’t love him back, but he still needs to know that he can be loved like that. Eddie doesn’t see how much he is worth and though it won’t be with Buck, he can still know that he can have a life again with someone who loves him as much as he deserves to be loved.

“I’m in love with you.”

This is it. There is no coming back now, and so, as he always does, Buck barrels through.

“I don’t know when I fell for you, but I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I wasn’t going to tell you but you need to know. That morning in the kitchen, I thought you wanted me to kiss you, and so I did. I’m sorry.”

Eddie opens his mouth and Buck’s breath catches. This is the moment of truth. The question isn’t and has never been, can Eddie love him back. The question is, can Eddie continue with their friendship knowing it’s different for Buck.

“I didn’t kiss you back.”

And Buck knows, of course he knows. Hearing it still feels like a punch to the face.

“It’s alright,” Buck says though it really isn’t. “I don’t want you to feel bad for not being in love with me back. If I can still have your friendship – just tell me what I need to do to fix this.”

“You can’t fix – god, why is this so hard?”

Eddie is shaking slightly and all that Buck wants to do is reach out to him and to bring him close into a hug. This is not what Eddie wants, nor is it what he needs.

_You can’t fix it._

Has Buck really done it? Has he really destroyed the most meaningful relationship in his life beyond repairs? Why must he always do – be _–_ too much? Why couldn’t he be satisfied with what they had?

“Do you want me to go?” Buck asks, a pitiful whisper.

“No.”

Anger rises in his chest – not at Eddie really. Anger at himself for ruining everything, anger at the universe for showing him what perfect could be but not allowing him to have it.

“Why not? You can’t even look at me,” Buck’s heart is beating hard and cold against his rib cage. “Is that so disgusting that I would love you? Is it because I’m a guy?”

“No, this isn’t it.”

“Then what? Do you want me to apologize again for kissing you?”

“I don’t want you to apologize for kissing me,” Eddie repeats, tensed.

“Then what do you want?” Buck all but shouts. “I won’t apologize for loving you. Maybe, before all this, I would have, but I can’t anymore. I almost died, I thought I was going to die, and all that I could think about was that you wouldn’t know how much you’re loved – how much _I_ love you. Because I do, Eddie, I love you and I’m not sorry about it.”

“You don’t get it.”

Eddie stands there, his body is stiffen but his eyes are wide. Buck feels himself tremble. He is feeling so much at the same time – grief, frustration, terror – that he feels his body ready to crumble under the strength of his emotions.

“Then tell me,” he begs.

“I’m in love with you, Buck.”

The whole world comes to a scratching halt.

This can’t be happening. Buck must have slipped back into unconsciousness, this must be a dream.

“What? No, but you didn’t – “

“I didn’t kiss you back because I panicked. I was scared. I _am_ scared.”

Buck stands, useless, breathing hard. Eddie is no better.

“Why are you scared?” Buck asks softly as if afraid to startle Eddie into running away from him.

“You’re the best thing to have happened to me since Christopher, and I got scared that you’d see one day that you could do better.”

“I could never do better than you, Eddie. Gosh, don’t you see? You’re the love of my life.”

Eddie’s smile is blinding. It isn’t the biggest smile he has ever given him but it’s the most intimate, the most _loving._

“Do you really?” Buck has to ask, he has to be sure. “Do you love me?”

“I love you. Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” Eddie confesses. “I don’t know why I tried to fight against it, why I made it so difficult, but I’m tired of being afraid, I’m done with hiding from it. I love you, Buck. I am in love with you, so deeply it must be written into my DNA by now. I don’t know what the future’s got for us, but if I know anything, I know that I will never stop loving you. Buck, you’re the future that I want.”

Tears fall freely from Buck’s eyes.

His heart has never felt so full. Time come to a standstill, the world does not exist behind the two of them, staring at each other with only a few feet between them.

So little space and yet the hardest bridge to cross.

“Okay,” Buck breathes out. “So we love each other.”

“We do.” Eddie is smiling, soft and warm and beautiful.

“You’re in love with me.”

“I am.”

“And I’m in love with you. We’re in love with each other. Holy shit.”

Eddie laughs, breathless and as awed as Buck feels. They love each other. Buck was wrong, he can have this, he can have it all.

Buck’s eyes fall to Eddie’s mouth when he darts out his tongue to lick his lips.

The overwhelming urge to kiss him makes itself known again and, out of habit, Buck almost goes to stomp it down but then he stops – lets it take a hold of him.

Eddie loves him.

Eddie is in love with him.

He can have this.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Buck says but it sounds almost like a question.

“And I’m going to kiss you back,” Eddie whispers.

Ever so slowly, Buck brings his face closer to Eddie’s but he hovers there, barely any space between them at all, unsure still of his welcome. He stares into Eddie’s warm deep eyes and Eddie stares right back at him.

They are so close that their breaths are mingling, as if they are becoming one, as if they are creating their own private pocket of space and time, one that only belongs to them and in which nothing can hurt them.

Even their hearts must be beating in unison – everything that they are, harmonized.

On their own, they are one tune, a beautiful and strong tune, with distorted notes at times and missed tempos. Their unique tune is vibrant and alive but when they come together, their tunes become a perfect harmony of life and love and beauty.

Together, they are a symphony of which Christopher is their most beautiful reprise.

It’s Eddie who closes the distance.

When their lips meet, there are no fireworks. Buck feels every muscle in his body relax, every knots disappear. All his fears, all his doubts are melting, even if just for that moment.

After all, maybe true peace exists.

Their hands are moving on each other’s body, a slow and languid exploration of a body that’s been until then off limits. There is no rush, no precipitation. They love each other, they have all the time in the world.

When they part, it’s only because the need for air becomes too burning but they don’t let go of one another.

Every breath that they are taking together is a transformation. Buck feels like a new person entirely, a better, brighter version of himself, not because someone took out the worst parts of him, but because Buck himself was inspired to change.

They stand so very close still, their foreheads pressed together, both holding tight into one another, too weary to let go after all that’s almost separated them forever. They need this – this silent comfort, this anchoring touch.

“I was terrified,” Eddie says, so low Buck would have never been able to understand it if they hadn’t been so pressed together.

“I’m never leaving you again,” Buck replies just as low. This is only for them to hear even if there isn’t anyone around. “You and Chris, you’re my whole world. I can’t go back to pretending I don’t need you to be complete.”

“You won’t ever have to pretend again, you have us and we need you right back, Buck. You complete us.”

And Buck just has to kiss him again because he can. He is allowed that joy now. He is allowed to love Eddie openly and freely and without holding back.

* * *

_**A** _ _**WEEK LATER** _

“Dad! Buck!”

The last of Buck’s tension melts away at the sight of the kid he loves like his own running to them with the biggest smile on his face.

Eddie squeezes his hand and the two of them share a joyous look just before Christopher reaches them.

It’s time to start their new life together, as a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, right?
> 
> These two using their words was long overdue! Romance and fluff are not my strong suit by any means, so I hope this was alright.
> 
> One chapter left! Can you believe? It's gonna be more of an epilogue than anything.
> 
> Please, leave a comment and tell me what you thought!


	11. To New Better Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sky is covered with dark clouds, a storm has been brewing for a few days over Los Angeles. When it finally breaks out, it will bring some relief from the impossible humidity that has been weighing on the city.
> 
> Buck has always loved storms. They bring with them a sense of renewal, they wash away the world and leave it shining and afresh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Here we are. The final chapter.
> 
> I started writing this story in my notepad on May 6th and now it's a little over a month later and this story is complete with eleven chapters and close to 40k words.
> 
> (Fun fact! On my very first draft of the outline of this fic, I was planning on 3 long chapters... LOL)
> 
> For once, I can admit that I am proud of myself. It's also absolutely wild to me that I managed to write and publish a chapter every three days. I can't believe I've been so consistent.
> 
> This is going to sound very like a "I just won an Oscar" speech, I'm very sorry in advance sksksks
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read this story, who left kudos, who reblogged or liked the posts about the updates on tumblr, who left comments. Some of you took the time to leave a comment on every single chapter or almost, and that means the world to me.
> 
> I'll shut up now and let you read!

“Thomas Kravitis, the jury finds you guilty on all charges. You are sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.”

Thomas does not cry out at hearing his sentencing. He does not faint or swear. His eyes are vacant and he does not even blink at the sentencing.

Buck, on the other hand, would have collapsed with relief if not for Eddie holding him.

He can’t believe it. This is really over.

His stalker is going away prison forever and as long he is behind bars, Buck will be safe. Thomas will never be able to hurt him ever again.

They watch Thomas being taken out of the courtroom by police officers, his hair is slicked back which only accentuates the hollow of his cheeks. Wearing a bright orange prison jumpsuit, he looks small, nothing like the crazed man who threatened him with a gun and attempted to kill them both with poison.

Watching the man who has made his life a living hell, Buck expects to find anger in his heart but he finds none.

What he finds is pity – sorrow, even.

Buck has always been forgiving, too much some would say, but he can’t live his life carrying that hatred around. And so he lets go of it, right here in this court that just sentenced his stalker to life in a cell, watching him disappear from his view.

Never will he tell Thomas that, for fear of inspiring a renewed obsession on his person. It’s best for everyone if they never have to see each other again. Buck hopes that Thomas finds some healing, as Buck has found it.

“You’re alright?” Eddie whispers.

“I feel free, like a weight’s been taken off my shoulders.”

Eddie smiles gently before giving Buck a tender kiss.

“You are free.”

* * *

The air seems all the fresher now that Buck is able to enjoy it without the fear of being followed.

“How long do we have until we’re supposed to be back at the station?”

“We don’t have to be if you’re not up to it,” Eddie says for the millionth time. “Bobby wouldn’t mind if we called out, he’s got Jackson and Darzi covering for us. They can stay the whole shift, it’s alright.”

Buck’s heart soars. Eddie loves him, there is no doubt about it, but he still marvels at it. It still feels impossible sometimes that he would get this – love and affection, unrestrained.

“We could go home,” Eddie adds softly.

Home.

Buck never went back to live to his apartment. Neither of them wanted him to go back to this big empty place filled with dark memories when instead he could come to live with Eddie and Christopher.

Mr and Mrs Malinowski were saddened by the news, doubly so because they felt responsible for Thomas stalking Buck in the first place, but Buck still goes to their place for dinner or for tea sometimes. Except now he brings Eddie and Christopher along.

Living with the Diazes is easy. It’s right, like this is how it’s meant to be.

As they have done since the beginning, they found their rhythm effortlessly and now none of them can imagine not living together as a family.

“I want to go to work,” Buck replies. “This, Thomas going to jail, this is life getting back to normal. I want normal, I want to go to work and do the stunts that drive you crazy but you’re always right with me anyway. I want to do our shift because this is all behind us, and being a firefighter, with you and the team, that’s my life, our life. Our crazy normal.”

Eddie’s face softens and his eyes sparkle with love.

“Alright. Let’s go back to our crazy normal then.”

* * *

The sky is covered with dark clouds, a storm has been brewing for a few days over Los Angeles. When it finally breaks out, it will bring some relief from the impossible humidity that has been weighing on the city.

Buck has always loved storms. They bring with them a sense of renewal, they wash away the world and leave it shining and afresh.

Eddie has a hand on the wheel, the other resting on Buck’s tight. Always a man of action over words, Eddie shows his love in so many different way. Big speeches aren’t his thing, though he has been known to blurt them out under the right circumstances.

“I love you,” Buck says.

And Eddie’s answer is to take Buck’s hand and to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Buck hears the words back even if Eddie does not say anything out loud.

* * *

The team welcomes the news with extravagant relief. Buck can’t deny that it warms his heart to see how much they care about him. He will never tire of it. He belongs now, he has a family and he loves them and they love him right back.

Making the decision to keep quiet about his stalker and deal with the situation on his own was a mistake but Buck has learned his lesson.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he catches Jackson going down the stairs.

“Wait,” Buck calls, running after him.

Jackson stops and turns. He is frowning, unsure of what Buck wants with him and Buck can’t blame him. He hasn’t been very kind to him.

“I wanted to apologize for – well for being such a dick to you.”

The way he has treated Jackson has been weighing on Buck. He does not recognize who he was back then – this cold, hateful person he became. This is not who he is, he never wants to be like that again.

“Man, it’s alright,” Jackson says and he shrugs. “Look, I get it. I’ve heard what happened, I know it probably wasn’t easy but hey, for what it’s worth, we’re good.”

“Thanks, man.”

Jackson is a good man and though they have gotten back to working opposite shifts, Buck is glad that they can have a friendly work relationship now. They shake hands and Buck feels yet another weight taken off his shoulders.

This is what healing is, he realizes. Letting go of past mistakes, learning from them and growing.

And he is healing, every day.

* * *

The storm comes and goes. Los Angeles is sunny once again.

* * *

“Aunt Maddie!”

Maddie’s belly is showing.

She is wearing a yellow summer dress and on top of her head rests a flower crown. She smiles widely when she notices Christopher running up to her and bends to hug him.

Ever since he learned of Maddie’s pregnancy, Christopher has been overjoyed at the idea of having a new cousin. He keeps making drawings and cards for the baby, Maddie and Chim alike, too delighted to keep his excitement to himself. Excitement that only grew when he heart his cousin was going to be a boy.

Not that anyone is complaining about it, his joy is contagious and his drawings are everywhere now, at the station, at Eddie and Buck’s, at Maddie and Chim’s.

“Hey, Chris,” she greets with a great smile.

Buck can’t help the happy sigh that escapes him at the sight of his sister and the kid he loves like his own talking cheerfully together. If four years ago someone would have told him that he would be in a loving relationship and co-parenting a wonderful kid, his sister back in his life and engaged to great man, and pregnant too, Buck would have laughed it off.

But now he has it all and it’s real.

Eddie squeezes his hand before going to drop the gifts off. Maddie and Chim are having a baby shower – _but a cool one,_ Chim keeps insisting – held at Bobby and Athena’s who insisted on offering their backyard for the occasion.

“Buck,” Maddie says and she gives him a hug. “How’s my favorite baby brother?”

He does not raise to the bait. Instead he looks at her in her yellow dress and at the tables filled with cupcakes, covered in confetti and gift bags, and he frowns.

“I’m having the strongest déjà vu right now.”

“Déjà vu?” Maddie echoes.

Her hand is resting on her belly, her thumb caressing it as if the baby can feel the comforting gesture. Maybe he can.

“Yeah like, this whole thing? I feel like I’ve seen it before.” He bites his lips, trying to pierce the images together but they escape him like year-old dreams “It was snowing?”

No, this doesn’t seem right. It never snows in Los Angeles.

Maddie is giving him a worried look and worrying her is the last thing that he ever wants, especially after everything that’s happened with his stalker.

“It’s nothing,” he tells her giving her a blinding smile and bending to press a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“If you say so,” she says slowly, clearly hesitant about pressing the matter but she ends up smiling too at his goofy beaming smile.

Pregnancy suits her well, she really is glowing. He remembers her coming to him, hiding from Doug, how she would hold herself, as if expecting the next blow at any moment. She is nothing like that now, she is standing head held up high and proud but still soft and loving.

A sudden thought hits him, “You know. Grandma would be so proud of you. I know I am.”

“Oh, Buck,” she breathes out, eyes welling up. “She’d be proud of you too. I am proud of you.”

“It wasn’t always easy but look at us now, the Buckley kids. We’ve made a life for ourselves.”

Together, they take just one breath, just one beat to ponder on that. Their lives could have gone so differently. They had so many chances to mess things up but they still made it.

“Milady,” they hear Chim say and they turn to see him hand her a drink.

“I don’t get anything?” Buck complains jokingly.

“Are you pregnant? Because I’ll bring you a glass of water if you’re pregnant.”

Chim laughs as Buck rolls his eyes, and Maddie hides her smile behind her glass.

“Listen,” Chim says, suddenly a bit more serious. “I’m only gonna say that because of the hormones – ”

“What hormones?” Buck cuts. “You don’t have hormones. Maddie has hormones.”

“I didn’t say which ones, Buckaroo, now quit interrupting me.”

Maddie snorts but she makes an innocent face when Buck gives her a betrayed look.

“Anyway, I’m only saying this because of the hormones _but_ , out of anyone, I couldn’t have hoped for a better brother-in-law.”

Unable to speak, Buck can only bring Chim in a bone-crushing hug, and if his eyes shine when they part, no one comments on it. After all, Maddie is wiping a tear too, and Chim is blinking a little too fast himself.

* * *

People soon fill up the whole backyard. Everywhere he looks, Buck sees nothing but true joy, friends and family laughing together.

Buck makes sure to talk to everyone – moments like these where all his family is together are priceless and Buck is determined to enjoy each of them to the fullest.

Bobby finds him when he is getting a breather, apart from the rest, just for a few minutes.

“How do you feel?” his captain asks, gaze intent as if trying to read through Buck. “We didn’t get to talk since Thomas got sentenced.”

“I’m good,” he replies with honesty. “Relieved. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that he isn’t gonna get out. It’s like I can breathe again, you know?”

“I’m glad.” Bobby smiles. “You deserve to be happy.”

Buck smiles back.

Denny laughs very loud all of the sudden, and they see him bolting away, followed by Harry and Christopher who are laughing too.

“Thanks, Cap’. I am happy, and I’m getting better everyday. Eddie and Chris and you all help so much.”

They stay silent for a bit, and Buck wishes he could say how much Bobby means to him.

Buck’s own father has never been much of a father to him, not in the way Bobby is. They don’t always see eye to eye and there have been mistakes on both their parts, but what is important is that they care deeply about one another and want what’s best for the other.

“I remember when I first met you,” Bobby says suddenly. “You were this brash, loud kid who couldn’t bring himself to obey the simplest order. But even then I could see the man behind the careless attitude. I look at you now, and I see only that. I see the bright young man that I’ve always known you to be. I am proud of you, Buckaroo.”

But then, maybe Bobby knows anyway.

“Thanks,” Buck breathes out, moved to tears. “You’re a lot to thank for that. Pops.”

The corners Bobby’s eyes crinkle as he smiles, wide and open.

Maybe, Buck thinks, he will call him Pops again sometimes. It feels more right now that it ever did when he first started doing it.

Athena finds them then. She gives them a curious look but does not ask what they have been talking about. Knowing her, she has probably already put it together.

“I demand a dance with my husband,” she announces with a grin.

“I wouldn’t dare to stand in your way,” Buck says and he is only half-joking.

Though she is holding onto her husband’s arm, her focus is on Buck. Her expression is so impossibly soft that he almost fidgets faced with so much affection. She reaches to put a hand on his cheek, in the same way he has seen her do it to May and Harry sometimes.

“I love you very much, you know that, right?”

A single tear runs down his cheek, landing on her fingers and she wipes it with her thumb.

Her gaze is still fixed on him, gentle and motherly.

“I love you too,” he whispers, voice heavy with emotion.

“So you know we’re always going to be there for you?”

His face crunches up in an unsuccessful effort to cover how moved he is by those words. He nods jerkily because he knows that his voice would break if he tried to talk.

She smiles again and it’s nothing but the warmest of smiles and, after one last squeeze, she lets go of his cheek.

Bobby pats him on the shoulder before he whirled away by his wife.

Buck has barely any time to compose himself again before Hen is by his side. She hands him a beer bottle and he takes it with a grateful smile.

“So, what’s with the face?” she asks.

“Everyone is being nice to me today. This is supposed to be Maddie’s party. Please, don’t be nice too or I’m really going to start crying.”

She rolls her eyes, “Oh don’t worry. I was not planning on it. Someone has got to keep you on your toes, Buckaroo.”

He takes a sip of his beer.

“Though,” she continues, and he groans loudly.

“Not you too, Hen. You can’t do this to me.”

She pinches his arm. He yelps in pain.

“Stop being a baby, I barely touched you.”

“Why are you so mean?”

“I thought you wanted me to not be nice to you?” She puts a hand up to stop him from protesting further when he opens his mouth to do just that. “I was just going to say, your stalker has just been put behind bars and that was not nothing. We just want you to know you aren’t alone.”

“I know that,” he says in a breath. “I do, now.”

“So if something happens to you, you’re not gonna keep it to yourself this time?”

“No way”, Buck laughs. “Eddie would kill me, for starters.”

“Would not be the only one.”

“I bet.” He sighs. “Look, I’m sorry for not telling you all when I got the notes, and for keeping stuff to myself even after that. It was not my brightest moment, but it won’t happen again.”

“Good. That’s all I wanted to hear.”

No, Buck truly knows what a gift he has been given.

He never has to be alone again.

* * *

It’s surreal to think that, only a few months ago, Buck was hanging to the last shreds of his sanity. He had felt so alone and hopeless under the heavy gaze of some faceless monster whose attention was on him only.

The fear still clings to him at times, it resurges without warning and makes him shake, makes his breath catch and in those awful moments, he has to check every single inch of the house, just to make sure that there are no cameras. Sometimes also, when Buck is standing in a busy street, he will feel as if there is someone watching him, crouched, hidden, ready to attack.

As time goes, the fear recedes, like the tide going away.

It still catches him off-guard but the episodes last less and less.

He has help too. He is not alone and he has come to realize that he hasn’t been in a long time.

Every day, he is surrounded by love – love for his friends, his family, love for his work, love for Eddie and Christopher.

Bobby and Athena’s backyard is alive with laughter and the sounds of a family coming together to celebrate something beautiful.

Buck catches his boyfriend’s eye and they share a loving smile.

They have discussed what they want together, murmured conversations with Christopher asleep between them, a forgotten movie playing in the background; loud and joyous plans for their future made in broad daylight, both giddy at all they will do together.

One day, Buck knows, they will get married. One day, they might adopt. Not every day will be as bright as this one, there will be nightmares of tsunamis and war and stalker and bombing, there will be fights and misunderstandings.

But every day will be spent knowing how much they love one another, no matter what.

For most of his life, Buck lived only in the present. That he could control, the future only brought dread and anxiety.

For most of his life, Buck was sure that he would spend all of his days alone, watching the world go on as it left him stranded.

Now, Buck looks at the future and feels no fear, only exhilaration.

No matter what the universe throws at them, they will overcome it.

“Come join us, Buck!” Maddie calls, grinning. “We’re gonna open the gifts.”

And so Buck steps out of his isolated corner and into the heart of the party and he finds himself surrounded by all the people he loves the most in the world.

On one side, he has Eddie, his arm wrapped around him. On his other side, Hen stands, laughing at Chim who is struggling with unwrapping a gift.

Christopher is playing with the other kids, laughing free and loud.

In that moment, Buck is sure – there is nothing else he could ever need, but he will experience more. More days, more memories, more good and more bad. All of it will be worth it because it will be shared.

Every day is a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap, folks!
> 
> For Thomas' sentencing, I'm not quite sure that he would get life without parole but I did some research and for first degree attempted murder, you can get life with parole, but he also did kidnap Buck and I think in that case it would be considered aggravated kidnapping because Buck almost died. For that, you get life without parole. In any case, I can do what I want, that's what I'm saying.
> 
> Also, another fun fact is that I almost ended the fic on Buck getting another note lmao but I'm not that mean.
> 
> I'm gonna thank you all again. I could have never imagined such warm and wonderful support, you're all amazing.
> 
> One last time, I'll ask you to think about leaving a comment. If you don't know what to say, you can tell me what your favorite part was overall, for example. Or maybe what you thought about the fic as a whole or idk maybe even something you would have liked to see.
> 
> Anything really, I love all your comments so much 💕
> 
> Writing is such a time-consuming process and the only thing authors ask in return is feedback. So, not only for this fic, but in general, try and leave comments if you don't already! End of PSA sksks
> 
> I don't know what I'll be writing next. I might take a little break from fic writing for a bit because this took so much of my time and energy, but I know I won't be writing another multi-chapter fic for a while lol
> 
> Thank you again from the bottom of my heart,  
> Pauline.
> 
> (Come say hi on tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/) if you want! I've got some writing there that's not published on ao3.)


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